Cold Weather & Hot Water!
by GrimmZ
Summary: Nabiki finds Ryoga wandering the streets and for a price invites him to HotelLaTendo. However things don’t go as she planed when a mischievous mug of hot coca is involved NaRy & ShMu lemon
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. This fic is NOT for children I'm sorry. If your child reads this it is not my fault, and it is not FanFiction.Net's fault, you're just going to have to deal with that. I've left warnings! Warnings I say! Your child is just as sick as I am! Shame! Shame!  
  
My third fic (to be put up on FF.NET) I'm still inexperienced but I here's the low down. I figured I'd make a lemon (just so . . . y'know, their there for people of that persuasion). I don't revel in lemons, this'd be the first one I've ever written (It's like being a virgin) and I'm definitely not sure about posting it because of the kids, I just KNOW some kid is gonna read this and then their parent(s) are gonna be all over me. One last bloody time, any kids scram! I said SCRAM!  
Grimm: Like kids don't write most of the lemons in the world anyway . . .  
Ranma: Well I bet if there were no lemons in the world there would BE no Tenchi fics!  
Tenchi: Wwaahh! Don't make me sick my bitch pack on you!  
A/N: Yo! FYI this is a lemon. I know! I know! Hack cough kill me now kill me now. Anyway I'm only doing this because I want to experiment with writing every type of fic (Songfic, humor, angst, lemon, horror etc.) so I figured I'd do this and see how it went. That, and I think this is the only lemon for this pairing. That just aint right, lets fix that up. I'm probably gonna get in trouble for this . . .  
Ranma 1/2  
Cold Weather & Hot Water!  
Grimm: I know its annoying by now but for the love of god NO KIDS!  
  
Ryoga trudged through the cold snow, his limbs frozen he had no idea where he was. Every inn or motel was closed and every hobo had taken up temporary residence in every phone booth. Not that those were very warm either.  
Ryoga knew the area looked slightly familiar, but he couldn't really recall where he was, thus he couldn't make the right turns and such to get to where ever it was he was trying to go.  
He had no heavy coat, and his umbrella was all that kept the cold snow from landing on the areas of his body unprotected by clothing, it was better than nothing, and anyway his arms were to frozen to put it away.  
"I've got to figure out where I am." He mumbled to himself through his blue lips.  
"Ryoga?" He heard a familiar voice asked.  
He turned around, and saw Akane Tendo's older sister Nabiki! "N-N-Nabiki." He said through chattering teeth. "H-h-hello."  
She was on the other side of the street, but she didn't seem opposed to running across it (there were no cars anyway) and coming over to him. She was holding several bags. "Are you nuts? Wondering around in the snow with no jacket?"  
"W-w-winter s-s-snu-snuck up on m-me." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki smiled sweetly. "I have a jacket here, just bought it. It's a ladies jacket but . . ."  
"Better th-thhh-than n-nothing!" Ryoga cried reaching for it, but Nabiki moved the bag away from the frozen Ryoga. "H-hey!"  
"You want? A bargain for three thousand yen."  
"H-heartless w-w-woman." Ryoga coughed. "I c-cant m-move my arms t-t-to my w-wallet."  
"No need, I've done that for you." Nabiki said. "Oh, you poor thing your dead broke."  
"I h-had f-f-five th-thousand yen!" Ryoga protested.  
"Did you?" Nabiki asked, putting the coat over his shoulders. "Well some times we spend money and forget. Christmas season y'know?"  
"A-and w-who did you sh-shop for?" Ryoga asked, feeling only a little better with the overpriced coat.  
"Lets see . . . there's one from me to me, I took care of Nabiki, and I got something for my best friend-Nabiki!" Nabiki said cheerfully.  
"C-cold! M-must keep m-moving." Ryoga said.  
"I have a hand warmer." Nabiki said calmly. "Let you rent it for five hundred yen?"  
"R-rent? Y-you took all m-my money." Ryoga protested. "I'm b-broke and y-y-you know it-t-t-t"  
"Don't let your teeth chatter, your going to ware them down to nothingness. Well, anyway I'm off, bye Ryoga."  
"W-wait!" Ryoga pleaded. "C-cant I c-come over t-to your place f-for a few minutes?"  
Nabiki frowned. "Well Akane and Ranma aren't around, it wouldn't be proper for you to visit while both your little friends are gone."  
"D-don't t-t-talk to me l-like I'm a k-kid! I'm only a y-year younger th-than y-you!" Ryoga said. "I j-just w-want to get w-warm." He said. "S-so c-c-cold."  
Nabiki smiled warmly. "Well okay, but only for five hundred yen."  
"I s-s-said I'm b-broke!" Ryoga cried.  
"You've got money on you, I can smell it."  
"F-f-for th-the l-l-l-last of my m-m-money I b-better at least g-get sh-shower access."   
"No worries there, I'd have thrown that in for free anyway because man do you need one." Nabiki said with a friendly smile.  
Ryoga coughed as he (with a degree of difficulty) moved his frozen right hand to his bandana and removed his secret five hundred-yen stash. He handed it to Nabiki and practically spat the word "S-s-succubus."  
"You coming on to me Ryoga?" Nabiki questioned with a friendly laugh. "Okay, c'mon, follow me close unless you wanna get lost."  
"Th-this way?" Ryoga asked.  
"Uh, no this way. The way I'm walking. Why are you going that way?"  
Inside the-warm-Tendo home Ryoga practically fell on his face near the dinner table.  
"Comfy? For heaven's sake get up." Nabiki said.  
"Itired." Ryoga mumbled.  
"Oh sure, just lay there then, no worries mate I'll just carry all these bags myself."  
"Yousogenerous." Ryoga groaned.  
"You should at least take that bath we were talking about! C'mon!" Nabiki said. "Don't just lie there!"  
"Idienowthankyou." Ryoga grumbled, now it was more of a game.  
"I'm serious, your gonna catch a cold." Nabiki said sounding uncharacteristically concerned. "Or freeze to death, and then I have to explain why I brought you here to die."  
"Okaymommy." Ryoga sighed and struggled to his feet. He tried to get to the bathroom but his half-conscious state mingled with his lack of a sense of direction led him straight into a closet.  
"For the love of all things sacred! Get out a there!" Nabiki cried. She pulled him out of the closet and dragged him by the collar of his shirt to the bathroom. She turned on the hot water and left Ryoga there. "I hope you can undress yourself cause I'm not going THAT far!" She said.  
Ryoga came out to the common room a few minutes later, warmed up and feeling much better.  
"Kasumi had to go to the store for something-dinner is delayed. Oh Ryoga, I thought you were my father."  
"And less than an hour ago you were calling me a kid." Ryoga grinned weakly.  
It took a moment for Nabiki to figure out what he was talking about, but when she got it she smiled weakly. "You have a sad sense of humor Hibiki."  
"You know our names kinda rhyme. I mean my last and your first." Ryoga observed.  
"Not really . . ." Nabiki shrugged. She yawned and looked around. "Feeling better?"  
"Idienowthankyou." Ryoga smiled.  
Nabiki threw a seat cushion at him. "And here I thought you were delirious!"   
Ryoga sat down on the floor on the opposite side of the table. "What was that about Kasumi?" He asked.  
"Oh, yeah. Mr. Saotome and my dad are out doing . . . whatever old men do. Akane is at a skating practice (Ryoga shuddered at memories of the Charlotte cup) Ranma is off doing . . . whatever it is transforming boy-girls do and Kasumi went to the store to buy cooking lard."  
"Ohh . . ." Ryoga frowned.  
"So . . . you want something to drink?" Nabiki asked.  
"How much for hot water?" Ryoga asked, still feeling a little cold.  
"Hotel arrangements. I'll send you a bill." Nabiki said with a wink.  
  
Nabiki walked into the kitchen. She wasn't quite the cook Kasumi was, but she could heat water. She rummaged through the cupboards and found some hot chocolate. "Hey! I didn't know we had any of this!" She said cheerfully.  
"Hottie-Chocolate. Interesting brandname. Well what the hell?" Nabiki said to herself.  
The one thing she missed was the warning label on the bottom of the can.  
"WARNING: Hottie-Chocolate contains several very powerful aphrodisiacs and though it may cause temporary insanity with humans it is useful for breeding elephants or other large creatures-may cause unexpected fertility in human females, do not mix with alcohol. Now with a lemony twist!"  
  
Ryoga forced a friendly smile when Nabiki got back. Secretly he grudged her the extra two thousand-yen he was missing but being out of the cold he was too grateful to bring it up.  
"Here." She said simply, passing him a mug of hot chocolate.  
"Wow, I haven't had hot chocolate in a long time!" Ryoga said.  
"Me neither. I was surprised we had any, to be honest." Nabiki said.  
Ryoga stared at her for a moment, trying to see if her face would reveal any secret poisons or some such. Nothing. At the same instant they both gulped down their drinks. ZING! They both smiled for a split second, then they both fainted.  
  
Ryoga woke up feeling slightly groggy. Across from him Nabiki was rubbing her head. "This stuff must be older than granddad." She coughed.  
Ryoga didn't want to admit that he'd sorta liked it. Apart from the whole fainting thing that is. It was so full of chocolate, it was so good!   
"So (cough) wanna see who can drink the most before conking out again?" He asked.  
"Shut up." Nabiki groaned. She got up and took his mug. "We'd better get rid of this stuff, we'll end up with food poisoning or something."  
"Can you get food poisoning from hot chocolate?" Ryoga asked.  
"I'm not taking any chances." Nabiki said, walking towards the door, she poured the substance on the ground (it burned through the snow and dirt, but Ryoga didn't see it)  
Ryoga noticed, as if for the first time just how short Nabiki's shorts actually were. 'Slutty . . . but in a very pleasant way.' Ryoga thought. 'What the . . . what was that? What did I just . . . hey her breasts show really well through that shirt!' he thought with a longing sigh. "Man she's busty." He said without thinking about it.   
"What was that?" Nabiki snapped.  
"Mm?" Ryoga frowned. He wasn't sure what she was talking about. His head was starting to hurt.  
"You just said something!" Nabiki said.  
"Oh, I asked if you could get poison from drinking hot chocolate." Ryoga sighed, taking into full account how sexy Nabiki looked even though her face was an angry one.  
Nabiki came over to him, and lied down on the ground for a moment, reaching under the table and feeling around for a moment. Ryoga watched her intently, feeling a strange urge to jump on top of her while he had the bloody chance, but having more brains than to think she'd be anything less than outraged with that sort of action he remained still.  
He bit his lip and closed his eyes. He'd never thought of her like this before, what was his problem now?  
Nabiki found the comic book she was looking for, and pulled it out. She began reading it to clear her head, she tried to ignore Ryoga's presence all together, not willing to deal with the thoughts that went through her head when she did look at him.  
'He's just one of Akane's little friends.' She thought to herself. 'Why should I be afraid to look at him?' she gazed up at him for a moment, and saw him intently reading over her shoulder. Their eyes met and Nabiki tried to tare her gaze away from his, but she failed.  
"W-what are you reading?" Ryoga asked, obviously making conversation.  
Nabiki shrugged. Her head was too foggy to give him an answer.  
Nabiki was about to say something, but before she could Ryoga leaned forward and kissed her. She didn't fight, she didn't even try to pull away. That is until she remembered that at least pushing him away was the required course of action for a girl in her position, but by then their kiss had ended.  
"Don't do that." Nabiki breathed.  
"Why not?" Ryoga asked.  
"Just don't." Nabiki said. She wasn't sure why she actually wanted him to do it again, but she was sure she wasn't in her right mind. No way, not with the things going through her head. 'He's a year younger than you, and he's one of Akane's little idiot friends!' She shouted in her head. 'Don't let him kiss you again!'  
"What would you do if I do it again?" Ryoga asked.  
"I'd castrate you." Nabiki said.  
Ryoga frowned for a moment, then Nabiki lost control of her own self and lunged forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him.  
"Whoa!" Ryoga said in halfhearted protest. "What was that you said about castrating me?"  
"Forget it." Nabiki said, sitting stomach to stomach on Ryoga's lap.  
"Uh . . ." She silenced him with a kiss, but he wouldn't keep quiet. "What are you doing?"  
"I'm not entirely sure." Nabiki admitted.   
"I think we should stop." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki ignored him and started kissing his neck. "Maybe I don't want to." She said.  
"Well maybe I don't want to eh . . . do this with you." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki looked at him for a second then shook her head. "You're joking. You kissed me first."  
"Well yeah, but now that I think about it, it seems more and more like a mistake." Ryoga said.  
"Oh really?" Nabiki asked. She pulled her shirt up over her head. "And now?"  
"Uh . . . well I certainly appreciate the kind gustier . . . uh I *really* appreciate it, but eh . . . your just not my type."  
"The hell I'm not!" Nabiki scoffed. 'How can he blow me off now! Why that little brat!'   
"I've always thought that lovers should be able to trust each other, and I just can't trust you." Ryoga said calmly.  
Nabiki blushed, then she smiled weakly. "I think I see where you're going with this." She said. "So I'm not your type huh? How about if I were to . . . "find" that two thousand yen you lost?" She asked, reaching into her pocket and revealing the stolen money.  
"Did I say you weren't my type?" Ryoga asked as he took the money and placed it into his bandanna. "Because I meant to say you're just my type." He leaned forward and kissed her.  
  
Ryoga closed his eyes tight as Nabiki lay back on the ground, pulling him on top of her. He thought only about Nabiki, only about her bright smile, her cute voice and her beautiful body. He didn't think about how much trouble they were going to be in if some one walked in on them, and he didn't think of Akane at all. He didn't consider that Kasumi could come home any second.  
Fortunately Nabiki did think. She broke their kiss and pulled away from him. "I'm not losing my virginity on the floor." She said quietly as if she were expecting some one to hear them.  
"Virginity?" Ryoga wondered aloud, ducking to avoid the swipe Nabiki sent at him. No way she was a virgin, she was like . . . to friggin hot . . . well then again he'd never seen her that way until just now . . . but still . . . Nabiki a virgin? Nah.  
"C'mon." She said.  
Nabiki led Ryoga up to her room, Ryoga made certain not to get lost, following Nabiki with what little strands of concentration he had left.  
They arrived at her bedroom and went in, Nabiki immediately turned and started kissing him again. Ryoga kissed back, wrapping his arms around her. They undressed, Nabiki led him over to her bed and pushed him down. She got on top of him, and leaned over and kissed Ryoga again.  
This was Ryoga's first time, he had no idea what foreplay was, he didn't know slang such as cock, cum, or that sort of bull shit, and he didn't know that as a virgin Nabiki would become quite annoyed with him in a few seconds, but in his defense he was under the spell of a rather powerful aphrodisiac (though he didn't know that). He wasted no time getting to the point, he rolled on top of Nabiki. He spread her legs apart, she didn't resist but she did whisper "Not that, not yet."   
Ryoga wasn't sure what she meant. Not what? He ignored her, moving his hands over her breasts and kissing her neck.  
"Nnngg . . . Ryoga . . . maybe . . . uh . . ."  
"Let me handle my end of this . . . you worry about yourself." Ryoga said.  
"Aww Shaddap . . . stupid kid . . . aha! Hey that hurts!"  
"I didn't do anything." Ryoga protested.  
"Mm? Oh yeah, that was me." She mumbled embarrassed.  
"What'd you do?"  
"I don't wanna . . . aaahhhh . . . talk about it." Nabiki said, sitting up, blushing.  
"Are we finished?" Ryoga asked, honestly curious.  
"What? What kind of stupid question is that? Of course not, I just need to . . . eh . . . forget it. Let's go, c'mon."  
"This isn't as cool as I thought it would be." Ryoga confessed.  
"Shaddap and get on top ya loser." Nabiki growled. "Just because I'm a year older doesn't mean I know what I'm doing any better than you do."  
"I did think there'd be a . . . y'know more of a primal instinct."  
"Didn't I tell you to shut up?"  
"No, you said 'shaddap' I think there is a-"  
"Shut Up!"  
"I'm just saying, this bed is really uncomfortable."  
"You didn't say that." Nabiki growled.  
Ryoga smiled weakly. "Okay, I admit it, I just don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do."  
"Man you suck!" Nabiki cried.  
"Suck what?" Ryoga asked.  
Nabiki slapped him lightly. "Umm . . . okay, so maybe if we did this in a better bed . . . one that's done this before."  
"Are you suggesting the bed would know what to do?" Ryoga asked lamely.  
"No!" Nabiki said. "I'm just saying that weather she entertains a lot of guys, or just jumps on it a lot Kasumi's bed is really soft."  
"Wont Kasumi be angry?"  
"Yes. But I'll easily leave evidence suggesting that that stupid pet pig of Akane's ransacked the room."  
Ryoga blushed when she said that, wondering how she'd feel knowing he was that stupid pet pig.  
They crept into Kasumi's room, looking around to make sure no one was around. Kasumi kept a fairly neat room, Nabiki looked around to see what could be destroyed without being destroyed.  
"Are you sure about this? Maybe we should just go to a motel where no one will come home and barge in on us." Ryoga said.  
"Are you paying for it Ryoga-honey?" Nabiki asked.  
"Huh? Well eh . . . never mind then."  
Nabiki laughed wickedly and threw herself on Kasumi's bed. "C'mon, this thing is soft like a water bed!"  
"Have you ever tried to have sex on a water bed!" Ryoga protested.  
"That's a really stupid question Ryoga-honey, even for you." Nabiki sighed.  
Ryoga frowned. Then he looked directly at Nabiki. Oh hey! She's a girl! Cool!  
Wait . . . he knew that! Oh . . . hey, she's not wearing anything! Kick ass! Wait! He knew that too! What the hell. He walked over to her, and she grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him down onto the eldest Tendo daughter's bed.  
Ryoga closed his eyes for an instant. Even closed he saw Nabiki's perfect body, and in his mind he thought back to those damnable sex education classes he'd been to shy to pay attention to. 'Okay, gotta get this right, for her at least.' He thought to himself. 'Damn Ranma, forcing me to go hungry at lunchtime! If only I had food I could concentrate and remember those classes! Now lets see . . .'  
During all this, Nabiki was kissing him, and running her fingers through his hair. He didn't notice it, but she fought the urge to swipe the money 'hidden' in his bandanna.  
He moved his hands over her slender form, she moaned softly when his hand wondered between her legs. Okay, he knew that he was supposed to do something there . . . okay what was it?  
  
Nabiki knew a lot more about sex than Ryoga, she just couldn't think strait. She did wonder why he was being so unresponsive; he was like a statue until he started moving his hands over her body. She closed her eyes. "Ryoga, do something." She whispered. "C'mon now, the wait is killing me."  
Ryoga kissed her on her lips, then she felt something pushing into her, splitting her apart-it hurt so much! "Do something . . . but not that!" She gasped. But it was to late, he thrust into her, and she erupted in an ear-shattering scream that she just couldn't stop, losing her control completely. She dug her fingernails into his shoulders, and bit down on her lip.  
"I'm sorry!" Ryoga said. "I didn't . . . eh, I mean I-"  
Nabiki shook her head violently. "Shut up! Shut up!" She cried. "Just keep going, don't stop just because aha! Just because I start screaming, what kinda boy friend are you?"  
Ryoga frowned at her, Nabiki lunged forward and kissed him. "P-please?" She asked. "Don't stop now that were just getting started.  
He nodded, but whispered "I'm eh . . . sorry."  
Nabiki kissed him to shut him up. She felt him continue to thrust in and out of her, it hurt, but it felt kind of good too. The warmth, the friction-oh god it felt so strange. It was completely new to her, she didn't understand it . . . but she did like it.  
Even though it hurt a lot, it felt nice. She became aware that she was moaning, she bit down on her own lip again, to silence her lustful cries, she closed her eyes tight, trying to concentrate on not making to much noise.  
But Ryoga continued to thrust in an out of her body, she couldn't help it. Then he kissed her and her eyes shot open, her concentration broken, she couldn't concentrate on anything! The friction, the warmth it was too much!  
  
Ryoga kept pushing into Nabiki, then pulling away. Just his luck the one thing he remembered from school ended up hurting Nabiki! She kept whimpering, or moaning, and Ryoga missed the traces of pleasure in her cries, hearing only her surprised gasps and the pain in her voice.  
But he didn't stop, he just couldn't it felt to good. She was so wet inside, and tight, she was squeezing him, he kept his eyes open, even though hers were closed. He looked at her face, he could tell she was in pain. Her eyes were shut tight, she was biting her lip to keep from making any sound. Her nails were digging into his shoulders, her legs were wrapped tightly around his waist. They were both sweating already.  
He leaned his head forward and kissed her, she opened her eyes, and he kissed her again.  
"R-R-Ryoga." She mumbled. "I . . . I aha! I think I'm going to--" She gasped, cutting herself off.  
Ryoga didn't say anything. He felt really strange, he felt like he was going to explode, he felt Nabiki's . . . eh . . .whatever it was called. He felt it growing tighter, contracting around him, he groaned and tried to pull away, thinking something bad was happening.  
But he didn't. His body wasn't doing what he wanted it to. He made one more vicious thrust into her, the force involved caused her to gasp in pain, but she moaned loudly too and Ryoga felt something coming out of her. Something wet . . . she was getting even warmer now, and slippery too. He couldn't hold back any longer, he didn't even know that he was doing so. His legs buckled and he closed his eyes tight. He felt something leave his erection and shoot straight into Nabiki.  
It was totally new to him, and he tried to pull away from her, shocked and hoping he wasn't hurting her more. But her legs were wrapped tight around him and he couldn't escape. He closed his eyes tightly. "N-Nabiki." He whispered. "I didn't . . . want to hurt you."  
"It . . . happens." Nabiki breathed. She kissed him again. She laughed weakly. "I'm to tired to screw up Kasumi's room . . . if she comes home were fucked."  
"Funny, I thought we did that already." Ryoga mumbled.  
Nabiki sighed, and closed her eyes. Ryoga rolled off of her, and lay next to her, wrapping his arms around her . . . "Well . . . when they get back . . . we've got a lot of explaining to do . . . weather or not Kasumi catches us." Ryoga mumbled, falling asleep himself.  
  
  
Ryoga felt his heart pounding in his chest, Nabiki was standing there, right across from him on the other side of the open field. He wanted to go to her, but he couldn't. He'd get lost, he just knew it!  
"Ryoga!" She called. "Hey, c'mon! I'm waiting for you, I'm all alone!"  
Ryoga nodded, he threw caution to the wind and ran to her.  
But he went the wrong way! Somehow he went the wrong way! She was getting farther away, and then he couldn't see her.  
"Ryoga!" She cried. "I'm over here!"  
Ryoga looked to his left. "Nabiki!" He cried. "I'm coming!"  
"Hurry! I'm so scared!" She said.  
Scared? Nabiki was never scared! He'd have to get to her fast! If she was scared of something . . ."  
But then she wasn't there!  
"Ryoga! How long do I have to wait!?" She demanded, now far behind him.  
"Not all night I hope." Another Nabiki added, she was to his far right.  
Ryoga was confused now. Two of them? "Nabiki?" he asked.  
"Yes?" They both said at the same time.  
Ryoga was so confused.  
Then some one else showed up! It was Kuno! The two Nabiki's disappeared, and then one was standing right next to Ryoga.  
Kuno laughed wickedly. "You foul creature! To ruin the purity of Nabiki Tendo, my love!"  
"I thought you loved Akane!" Ryoga protested.  
"And did you not love Akane as well?" Kuno demanded.  
Akane appeared. "Yes Ryoga. Didn't you love me?"  
"I . . . think so." Ryoga said, his head was swimming now.  
"Cretin!" Kuno scoffed. "To forget the fair maiden Akane? You are nothing but a pig with no sense of gratitude!"  
"A pig?" Ryoga wondered. Suddenly he was P-Chan!  
"Oh P-Chan!" Akane cried. She scooped him up into her arms and held him.  
"No! No I'm not P-Chan!" Ryoga cried, speaking through P-Chan's tiny snout.  
"Nonsense. You're my pet P-Chan!" Akane declared. "And I love P-Chan!"  
"No! I'm Ryoga!"  
"Nonsense." Kuno said coolly.  
"Yeah," Akane agreed. "I don't love Ryoga. I don't even like Ryoga. But I love P-Chan."  
"And that's the only way she'll ever love you." Kuno scoffed. "That's why you wanted Nabiki. You don't care about her at all."  
"That's not true!" Ryoga said. Or was it? Was it true? It couldn't be true!  
"Admit it, yer just jealous of me an Akane." Ranma scoffed.  
"How could I be?" Ryoga demanded. "Jealous of YOU Ranma?"  
"And how could I ever love a pig?" Nabiki scoffed. "Oh my, I suppose I was wasting my time with you."  
"What? No!" Ryoga protested.  
"Not even Nabiki wants ta stick 'round with you!" Ranma laughed.  
"Nabiki is mine, and Akane belongs to Ranma." Kuno said. "Don't even bother trying your tricks on Kasumi either, you should just leave. Leave and never set foot near Tendo Training Hall again."  
"Bite me!" Ryoga snapped.  
Then he was in a pit! A pit full of snakes, all of them with fangs, biting him! He was a human again, but he couldn't move, the snakes had him all tied up! They were constricting on him, twisting themselves in knots around him, biting him!  
"Bye Ryoga!" Ranma cried.  
"I'll see you later P-Chan!" Akane cried.  
"Help me!" Ryoga cried.  
"It's a better fate than you deserve." Kuno said simply.  
"See you in hell Ryoga-honey." Nabiki said lightly.  
"I'll bake a soufflé!" Kasumi cried.  
  
"I'll bake a soufflé!" Kasumi cried, Ryoga snapped away, and found himself on the table of the Tendo common room.  
"Great." Nabiki yawned, waking up herself. "I didn't know you needed cooking lard for that!"  
"Nonsense!" Kasumi said. "The cooking lard is for other dishes. Oh! Hello Ryoga!"  
Ryoga smiled weakly at Kasumi and said "Hello." He shook his head, trying to make sense of what was going on.  
He and Nabiki were fully clothed, sitting in the common room of the Tendo home. Before him was a mug of hot chocolate, and slowly his memory returned to him. Oh yeah, he'd taken a sip of that crap and gone out like a light he supposed. Funny, his dream felt so real!  
He sighed. What a weird dream. Nabiki of all people, if he had to dream about . . . that . . . why not dream about Akane? Now he looked at Nabiki and saw her in a whole new light, she really did look pretty, but she always had. There was something about her that seemed different.  
'That must be a normal reaction to having a dirty dream about some one.' He thought.  
He didn't notice the smile Nabiki flashed him when Kasumi went into the kitchen.  
He didn't notice that his back, or rather, his shoulders felt like they'd been cut up. He didn't notice the twenty thousand yen in his bandanna.  
  
Kasumi hummed to herself as she rummaged through the things in the kitchen. "Oh! What's this! We have hot Chocolate? Wow!"  
  
Nabiki yawned slightly. She frowned when Kasumi came out of the kitchen and went into her bedroom. She came back down shortly after going up. "Hey!" She said in surprise. "My room is ruined, and there's blood and something else all over my bed."  
"That damn P-Chan!" Nabiki scoffed. "Must've gotten in there while you were out."  
"P-Chan . . . huh?" Ryoga mumbled. He looked really confused.  
Nabiki yawned again. She was beat. She was so incredibly tired she wanted to just lay down and never wake up. Kasumi came down with a small box. She placed it in front of Nabiki. "Speaking of pigs . . . Here." She said. "I have a present for you, I was hiding it under my bed."  
"Uh . . . okay." Nabiki said.  
"Well, open it." Kasumi urged.  
"Hey-yeah!" Ryoga enthused. "Open it up!"  
"It's not Christmas yet!" Nabiki said coldly.  
"Open it." Kasumi pleaded.  
Nabiki smiled weakly. She opened the package . . . it was small and covered in red wrapping. "What is . . . this?" Nabiki asked as she finished unwrapping it.  
"It's a piggy bank!" Kasumi said enthusiastically. "So you can save your money and no one will be able to get to it!"  
"That's great!" Nabiki said with forced enthusiasm. She didn't really need a piggy bank, but then again the little bugger was kinda cute. It was a white piglet with a cute pink bow tied around its neck.  
"I got Akane one too, but don't tell her." Kasumi said happily. She lifted a mug of something steamy and Nabiki realized there was one in front of her as well. "Let's toast!" She cried. "To Christmas!"  
"Sure!" Ryoga said. Nabiki lifted the mug, and toasted. "Uh . . . what is in here?" She asked.  
"Hot chocolate! I just found out we have some!" Kasumi said happily. She took a big sip, Nabiki sweatdropped and just pretended to take a sip. She was tired, but she didn't fancy fainting again.  
Ryoga was a moron. He downed the whole thing.  
Ryoga and Kasumi fell forward on their faces, unconscious or asleep or something. Nabiki shrugged. "What the hell." She said, she laid down on the table, mimicking the position her sister and Ryoga had taken.  
"Maybe . . ." She thought. "It's better if Ryoga thinks what happened was just a dream." And she fell asleep on the table.  
  
The End . . .  
  
It was terrible, I know, but you try writing a lemon without using slang or those embarrassing medical terms that just totally kill the mood then come talk to me. Anyway, flame me good 'n proper like I know I got coming. 


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Ryoga Hibiki, Nabiki Tendo, Kasumi Tendo, or Ranma 1/2   
in general. There IS NO Hottie Chocolate Aphrodisiac but in case one ever does   
come around, I don't own that either. Oh! And I regret nothing!  
  
A/N:   
This is the only sequel chapter I'll write to this. (Unless you pay me or unless   
I feel inspired)   
Remember those embarrassing terms and the disgusting slang I didn't wanna use?   
The reason for that was I wanted to reflect that Ryoga and Nabiki were both very   
much idiot virgins under the influence of malicious (and delicious) hot   
chocolate. But now I'm gonna use em (while trying to keep a straight face)   
because it's harder than you think to not use them at all.  
  
Grimm: Get it together people, last shoot then we pack up the set and burn it!  
Kasumi: Yay! I love to start fires! The little people in my head say that it's   
good to start fires!  
Grimm: . . . okay. C'mon Ryoga, get to work, we've got a deadline.  
Ryoga: Aaaawww man, I wanted this to be a series not a two part fic! I wanted to   
have sex with Nabiki again and again and again!  
Grimm: (whacks Ryoga on the head with a foam baseball bat) Pervert! Anyway   
that's what "Charlotte's Web" is for.  
Nabiki: Can I have that bat when your done with it Grimm? (Takes the bat and   
whacks Ryoga)  
Ryoga: What was THAT for?  
Nabiki: It NEVER happened, it was just work, just a fic.  
Ryoga: . . . eh, you're cute when you smile.  
Nabiki: Thank you. (Whacks Ryoga again)  
Ryoga: Damn! It worked for Ranma!  
Ranma: I only made you think it did.  
Nabiki: (whacks Ranma with a real bat) That's what you get for lying to my   
snuggle-bunny!  
Grimm: . . . yer what?  
Nabiki: hmm . . . (whacks Grimm with a real bat) C'mon people, clear the set,   
let's get this over with so Kasumi can set her fires!  
Kasumi: Burn baby burn!  
Grimm: But Before we do that . . . there are some people I want to thank . . . or talk   
to. Or otherwise just add length to this fic for your torment. Seriously though,   
the first thing I said. That word that starts with a T and ends with a K.  
To my reviewers . . .  
  
To Linda Gabriev - Thank you, I AM crazy. Getting people to like Nabiki/Ryoga   
pairings is what I'm all about, I'm glad the dark side of the force worked on   
you. Keep reading and reviewing (wink)  
  
To Butterfly - I haven't read any good lemons, they make me laugh even if   
they're serious. So does adult cinema but that's a whole different conversation.   
I'm glad some one finds my sense of humor appealing and not offensive. That   
makes what? One out of ten now. Great! Keep reading and reviewing (wink)  
  
To Sonya - Out There is my middle name. Eh . . . names. Bwahahahaha! Another   
person all for Nabiki/Ryoga romance eh? Perhaps there IS hope for this world.   
Keep reading and reviewing (wink)  
  
To Perry - Twisted is ALSO my middle name. Kasumi had to drink the chocolate, I   
love Kasumi. I was gonna have myself show up as an OC but then I remembered I   
hate those things. Keep reading and reviewing. (wink)  
  
To Reika - "Ear's a rat after me own 'eart" No need to be polite, of course the   
lemon aspect was terrible, but thanks for being nice anyway. Consider your   
request for a sequel granted, I am the genie of the lamp and I say it is done.   
And, yep, you guessed it, "Keep reading and reviewing (wink)"  
  
To Crystalclear - There are a few Na/Ry out there by other authors who've done a   
better job than me, if your interested check them out. Keep reading and   
reviewing (wink)  
  
Chapter Two  
Cold Night, Hot Dinner (I ran out of ideas after the first one :)  
  
"COOK!" Kasumi screamed. "MUST COOK!"  
Nabiki held her hands over her ears. "Yeah, go do that!" She cried.  
"I feel a burning sensation inside me, and I'm finding Ryoga incredibly   
attractive! Whenever this happens I cook! I must cook!" Kasumi explained.  
"Is THAT why Tofu hasn't gotten laid yet." Nabiki sighed. "Hey, wait a second,   
your finding *my* Ryoga attractive?"  
"Extremely! Now I must bake soufflé!"  
"If you keep screaming it'll cave in."  
"Can't have that! That won't do! No noise now, you and Ryoga go play in your   
room, Nabiki."  
"Ryoga is still asleep." Nabiki observed. "Kasumi . . . can I see that hot   
chocolate container?"  
"Hmm? Oh yes, of course. Here you go. Oh, and don't wake up Ryoga, he's still   
asleep."  
  
(For those of you who forgot it, or just had to see it again . . .)  
WARNING: Hottie-Chocolate contains several very powerful aphrodisiacs and though   
it may cause temporary insanity with humans it is useful for breeding elephants   
or other large creatures-may cause unexpected fertility in human females, do not   
mix with alcohol. Now with a lemony twist!  
  
"Warning . . . yada yada . . . several aphrodisiacs? What the heck? And I drank   
this stuff? Useful with elephants or other large creatures? May cause unexpected   
fertility in human . . . what? Hell no! Lemony twist my eye! There wasn't the   
slightest hint of lemon!" Nabiki growled. "Daddy keeps this stuff around?"  
Then she saw the little label on the bottom. It read "Property of Hopposai:   
Master Panty Thief!"  
Nabiki frowned. "If anyone needs me, I'm going to be in my room crying."  
"Just do it quietly." Kasumi warned, waving a frying pan menacingly.  
Then Nabiki saw the much smaller warning label beneath the warning label. It   
read:  
  
WARNING! Hottie Chocolate contains several strange experimental drugs. One out   
of one hundred human women, should they drink more than one glass, will suddenly   
have a strange ability to see in the infrared spectrum and will track down   
anything male and maliciously rape it! One of the scientists involved in its   
creation (Joe) wanted us to throw that in for his wife-she's the shy type.  
Note that this product may cause unexpected fertility, temporary blindness and   
above all, loss of any and all story and/or plot. Good night Canada, gods save   
you drinkers of this product, if it is right that he should do so you poor   
bastards.  
  
"Eh . . . Kasumi, don't drink any more of that chocolate okay?"  
"What?" Kasumi asked, already pouring another mug.  
"Never . . . eh . . . mind . . . I guess." Nabiki sighed.  
"So wonderful! Delicious hot chocolate! Hey, everything is turning red!"  
"Okies, buh-bye Kasumi." Nabiki said, running up to her room. She threw herself   
onto her bed and sighed. Great, so she hadn't fallen in love with Ryoga. That   
was not necessarily good news, though at the moment she welcomed it. Though it   
did mean she'd lost her virginity to some one she didn't like thanks to a   
powerful drug . . . this was not how she envisioned her life . . . wait a   
minute, here's a memory . . .  
  
Ten Years Ago  
"Truth or dare!" Kasumi cried.  
"Truth!" Nabiki proclaimed.  
"How would you LIKE to lose your virginity?"  
"My what?"  
(Whisper...whisper)  
"EEEWWW! I wanna lose my virginity to a charming young man with a bandanna,   
while we are both under the influence of powerful aphrodisiacs with no real love   
lost between us! Then I wanna dump him, and sleep with his best friend!" Nabiki   
said happily.  
"What? That's icky!" Kasumi cried.  
"Once I lose my virginity I'm gonna be the biggest slut in town!" Nabiki   
continued. "It'll be like cutting a car's break lines, you wont be able to stop   
me baby!"  
"You're just joking now, right?" Kasumi asked.  
"Nope." Nabiki shrugged.  
"I say we take a vow to forget this for all eternity." Kasumi said. "Vow!"   
Kasumi cried. "I vow! I don't wanna remember this!"  
"Me neither, I want to surprise myself!" Nabiki said. "I will leave it up to my   
subconscious mind to ensure that it actually happens!"  
  
Current Day  
Nabiki frowned. "Stupid subconscious mind! Stupid Truth or Dare game!" She   
sighed. What was she supposed to do now? She was bored, she couldn't make noise   
and she kept thinking about her dear Ryoga . . . eh just Ryoga. Forget the   
"dear" part. Dammit she'd strangle that bouncing pervert the next time she saw   
him! And unexpected fertility? Now *that* was going to screw up her day. Oh   
yeah, she could just see it now: A baby with fangs who couldn't figure out   
directions but loved money and could outsmart almost anyone. That'd be worth a   
few years in a support group and at least one appearance on a daytime talk show.  
Then her door opened slowly and Ryoga walked in. He looked at her for a moment   
in confusion. "Nabiki? Sorry I didn't realize you were using the wash room . . .   
eh . . . why did you move your desk in here?"  
"This is my bedroom lost boy." Nabiki growled. She blamed this whole thing on   
him. Oh yes, if it weren't for him there would have been no one to have sex   
with, she'd have been saved a lot of trouble if she'd just let him freeze to   
death.  
"Oh . . . eh . . . okay. Kasumi told me to wash my hands and get ready for   
dinner." He explained. "Apparently she's got a strange urge to cook enough food   
for an army, and she needs taste testers. Weather they want to or not."  
Nabiki scoffed. "Yes yes that's fine. I didn't ask for an explanation, leave   
before I make you pay child support!"  
"What?" Ryoga frowned.  
'Actually, I should do that weather or not I'm pregnant, he'd be stupid enough   
to pay it.' Nabiki thought to herself. Then she remembered the elaborate scheme   
she'd made and the great lengths she'd gone to just to make sure that Ryoga   
believed the . . . "encounter" had been a dream. The list of things she'd   
accomplished in ten minutes was long, including dressing herself, getting Ryoga   
into a sort of waking-sleeping mode and having him get dressed and walk down   
stairs to the table, then paying Kodachi for a drug that'd make Ryoga think   
anything an everything that happened in the last few minutes was dream.  
  
Meanwhile at the Kuno estate, Kodachi was doing a quick inventory of all her   
drugs and poisons. To her chagrin the "Half Hour Waking Dream" that she thought   
she'd brought to Nabiki Tendo was still in full supply. But the "Ten Thousand   
Year Uncontrollable Sex Drive" that she'd wanted to use on her dear Ranma was   
completely empty.  
"Oh well . . . Nabiki shall never notice." Kodachi reasoned.  
(Notice that I keep leaving them the chance to blame it on drugs eh? Just wait   
till the END of the fic, I got a surprise for ya, tehehe)  
  
Anyway, back at the Tendo estate . . .  
Nabiki sighed. Ryoga was still cute . . . she was obviously still under the   
influence of the stupid hot coca. Hmm . . . cute Ryoga . . . bad brain! Bad!  
Ryoga sat down on her bed. "Do you mind if I hide in here from Kasumi?"  
'Probably not a good idea.' Nabiki thought. "Sure." She said. 'Dammit! What am I   
saying?' "But it'll cost ya." 'Oh, THAT'S what I'm doing . . . okay, THAT sounds   
like the normal me. Yeah . . . I think.'  
"What happened to my hotel accommodations?" Ryoga asked.  
"Sex isn't covered." 'Doh!' "I mean eh . . . what hotel lets you hide from   
kitchen staff for free?"  
"C'mon Nabiki, you know I'm broke."  
"Not true, I gave you yer money . . . eh . . . I mean . . . I bet you still have   
some money in that bandanna stash of yours."  
Ryoga frowned. Nabiki couldn't help but frown back. She prayed he wasn't putting   
two and two together. "Hmm . . ." he said as he retrieved the money she'd stolen   
then returned to him. "Hey, I guess I *didnt* lose it! Cool!"  
'Thank god Ryoga is an idiot.' Nabiki thought. 'One if his more attractive   
features really . . . dammit why am I thinking *that*?'  
"That's weird, I really could have sworn it wasn't in here . . . especially   
since I took my bandanna off when I took a shower . . ."  
'Oh crap. Didn't think about that.' Nabiki frowned. "You never took a shower,   
remember?" She said. "You fell asleep as soon as we got inside."  
"I did?" Ryoga asked.  
"Yes." Nabiki said calmly. 'Let's see how stupid Ryoga really is.' She thought   
to herself.  
"Mm . . . then I should probably take one now . . . except I'm pretty warm   
already."  
"Well this house is well heated." Nabiki said. 'I'm freezing!' She thought.  
"Yeah . . . nice and warm and cozy . . . I wish I lived here. Had sisters like   
you and Kasumi."  
'Scary thought. He wouldn't say that if he knew what we did a little while ago .   
. .' Nabiki thought. "Say what you will, you wouldn't want me as your sister."   
Nabiki said, feeling that that was reasonable enough.  
"I know." Ryoga said. The way he said it puzzled her. It wasn't an insult, and   
he wasn't agreeing with her. He sounded glad. "If you were my sister I'd be in a   
lot of trouble."  
Nabiki glared at him. "So you remember!" She snapped.  
"Remember what?" He said, looking honestly curious.  
Nabiki decided to test him. "I don't know, tell me what you remember!" She said.   
"Why would you be in trouble if I were your sister!?"  
  
'Hmm . . . what a scary demand.' Ryoga thought. He couldn't tell her about Akane   
because she'd probably spill the beans. Though for some reason though he felt no   
motivation to vie for Akane's heart anymore, he didn't want those feelings out   
in the open yet. Though he did blame his loss of interest in Akane on his dream,   
which was the actual reason he'd said what he'd said. He couldn't tell her about   
his dream though. That'd be like a death sentence. 'But then again it seemed so   
real.' He thought. 'She's really cute when she's mad.' He added. Then frowned.   
'Wait a second . . . what am I not supposed to remember?' He thought.  
"Well?" She demanded.  
"Well," he said, "I was just thinking, my sister wouldn't make me pay to come   
inside the house." He said.  
"Wanna bet?" Nabiki asked, visibly relaxing.  
'Saved.' Ryoga thought. 'Funny though, she sure got riled up.' "Man my back   
hurts." He said, it was mostly to himself but he saw Nabiki tense when he said   
it.  
"You slept on it wrong?" She asked.  
"No, feels like I got in a fight with a mountain lion and lost." Ryoga mumbled,   
rubbing his back.  
"I'm offended by that!" Nabiki snapped.  
"Huh?" 'What's she offended by?' Ryoga thought. 'Hey wait a minute, I remember   
something about . . . hmm . . . clawing my back . . . Nabiki . . . naw that was   
just a dream.'  
"Eh . . . I'm offended that you would . . . feel that way about Hotel-la-Tendo's   
sleeping accommodations!" Nabiki said.  
"Oh I'm sure the table was plenty comfortable." Ryoga said. But now he couldn't   
shake the feeling that Nabiki was trying to hide something from him. He knew   
exactly how to get it out of her too! "Hey Nabiki, you look awfully bored." He   
observed.  
"So what if I am?" She demanded.  
"Well, I got an idea of something we can do while we wait for Kasumi to calm   
down." He said.  
"What?" She demanded, sounding nervous and annoyed at the same time.  
"Truth or dare." He said calmly. She cringed.  
"Fate teases me." She sighed. "Okay, but I got first." She added.  
"Fair enough." Ryoga said. 'I only need to ask her one question! And then the   
code of Truth or Dare honor demands she answer truthfully!' he thought.  
"Well . . . Ryoga tell me the truth now. What exactly do you remember doing   
tonight? After coming here I mean."  
"Well I thought I took a shower but I didn't. I guess all I did was fall   
asleep." He said. It was partially true, he couldn't tell her about his dream,   
she'd kick his ass worse than Ranma ever could. He knew *he'd* kick Ranma's ass   
if Ranma ever said he'd had a dirty dream about him. But then again . . . that   
was sex-switching Ranma, not Nabiki . . . if she'd had a dream about him, Ryoga   
wondered how he'd react.  
"Well Ryoga, is that the game or are you gonna take your turn?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Hmm? Oh yeah. Okay, truth or date."  
"What?"  
"Dare." Ryoga corrected himself. 'I'm a idiot!' he thought.  
"Okay then, dare." Nabiki said.  
"I dare you to kick Ranma's ass when he gets home!" Ryoga announced. 'That ought   
ta teach ya ta pick truth!' He thought.  
"No fair!" Nabiki protested.  
"You lose then." Ryoga said.  
"Truth then, let me pick truth!" Nabiki said.  
"Righto." Ryoga said. "Truth now, absolute truth. What did we do when we got   
back here?"  
Nabiki slapped him across the face so hard that Ryoga felt she might have had a   
chance going with the dare to kick Ranma's ass.  
  
Kasumi drank another cup of hot coca. "Cook!" She muttered. "We must cook!   
Precious, must not stop drinking the precious!" She stroked the canister of hot   
coca mix. "My precious . . . it is my precious . . . what is that? My precious   
hears something? We will kill it my precious, it must not make the soufflé fall   
my precious!" She hissed. She walked, almost slithered to the door and saw the   
other inhabitants of the house returning home.  
"They must not take the precious!" Kasumi hissed. She closed the door and locked   
it, then began setting up a barricade. "Must not take our precious!"  
  
'He remembers.' Nabiki thought. 'Or he's close to it. I'm going to have to get   
my money back from Kodachi, I knew it was a mistake to spend my own money in the   
first place.' She shook her head. "Really all I remember is you falling asleep."   
She said.  
"So why did you go to sleep at the table too?" He asked.  
Nabiki frowned. "I . . . didn't?" She offered.  
"You sure about that?" Ryoga asked.  
"Hey now, one question per turn!" She cried. 'He's onto me! Wait, wrong choice   
of words.' She thought.  
Ryoga sighed, he looked kinda cute when he sighed. "Okay then, it's your turn."   
He said.  
"I don't want to play anymore." Nabiki said. "I'm . . . I'm tired, I want to go   
to sleep." She walked over to the bed and pushed Ryoga aside as she lied down.   
He tripped, or did a good job or pretending too, and landed on top of her. She   
didn't have to look into a mirror to know she was blushing. 'Dammit!' she   
thought. 'I should probably tell him to get off me.' She thought, but her lips   
decided not to speak. Instead they decided to kiss Ryoga. Nabiki was now   
thoroughly pissed off at her subconscious. 'Just you wait until I find a way to   
kick your ass!' She thought. 'I'll get addicted to acid and drink a lot of   
alcohol, that'll learn ya!'  
He subconscious yielded to the threat and Nabiki tore herself away from Ryoga,   
rolled around a bit and pinned him, after convincing her body that that was in   
fact the correct thing to do.  
Ryoga was speechless, Nabiki wasn't. "How dare you kiss me!" She cried.  
"I did what?" Ryoga frowned. "I . . . eh . . . I didn't mean to, I'm sorry." He   
said quickly.  
"Get off me!" Nabiki cried.  
"I'd love to . . . but . . ."   
Nabiki frowned when she realized she was lying on *him*. 'How did *that*   
happen?' she wondered. She thought back for a second. 'Dammit! Now what kind of   
slut is he gonna think I am?' she thought. 'Wait a minute, why do I care? I've   
been drugged, I don't really like him!'  
Then again, if she'd been drugged . . . was it really wrong to just have a   
little fun? What did she have to lose? Her virginity? Hahahah!  
  
Ryoga frowned when Nabiki kissed him again. It felt strangely familiar, and   
incredibly good. 'Okay, dream was not a dream. I'm convinced, we've done this   
before.' He thought.  
"Are we going to use *your* room this time?" Ryoga asked. Nabiki glared at him.   
"Well it's just that we wouldn't want Kasumi catching on to us would we?"  
"We gotta be quiet, we don't want her soufflé falling." Nabiki winked. "Besides,   
Akane's room is still in one piece. And P-Chan hangs out in that room all the   
time."  
"You're determined to blame it all on me-eh P-chan, aren't you?" Ryoga sighed.  
Nabiki kissed him. "How do you know that we did it in Kasumi's room anyway?" She   
demanded.  
"It happened in my dream." Ryoga said, realizing how pathetic that line sounded.  
"That's a sad pick up line. Damn Kodachi. I thought she knew her drugs, I guess   
not." Nabiki shook her head. "Regardless . . . I'm not in love with you." She   
said.  
"Mm?" Ryoga gave her a curious look. "Then why do you keep kissing me?"  
"We've been drugged sweetie, that hot coca has several powerful aphrodisiacs in   
it, that's why were going at it." Nabiki said calmly. "And you got a double   
dose, Einstein, you *would* drink it twice." She kissed him again.  
Funny . . . he didn't *feel* drugged. Though he had to admit he had earlier.   
Felt incredibly relieved that he hadn't had a dirty dream about Nabiki . . .   
wait, was a dirty dream preferable to actual sex?  
He'd have to figure that out later, Nabiki didn't seem interested in stopping.   
She kissed him again  
  
Meanwhile . . . we musn't forget about the one responsible for all this.  
Happo! The pervert! Oh I hate you! I hate you!  
Happo danced around energetically. So happy. He'd stolen MORE panties, how   
wonderful!  
"Halt, old man!" Kodachi Kuno cried. "Those panties belong to me!"  
"And I will treasure them for all eternity!" Hoppo assured her. Then he leapt   
towards her breasts, making a mad attempt for the bra. She whacked him really   
hard with a club. "OUCH!"  
"I shall show you what happens to old perverted panty thieves who interfere with   
the Kuno clan!" Kodachi cried.  
"I enjoy SNM as much as the next one foot tall panty thief!" Hoppo cried   
happily.  
"Well, you shall not be enjoying this, but I assure you, I will." Kodachi   
grinned wickedly.  
  
Ryoga felt his heart pounding so hard he could hear it, and feel it in his chest   
like it was going to explode. He kissed Nabiki, his arms wrapped tightly around   
her, he held her close, trying not to hurt her, and wondering if he was. He knew   
he was strong, but he didn't know how tough Nabiki was, he'd never thought   
before to test her.  
They said no words, the room was dimly light, it added to the atmosphere, and   
Nabiki's eyes seemed to glow in the dim light. Beautiful brown eyes that seemed   
to hold his attention and force his gaze, like a mouse staring down a snake   
ready to strike Ryoga couldn't take his eyes away from those of Nabiki Tendo.  
She smiled weakly and closed her eyes. Ryoga came out of his trance and kissed   
her. He moved his hand slowly through her short hair, it was soft, and she   
seemed to enjoy it. He moved his free hand slowly between her legs and between   
her thighs.  
She moaned softly, but he kissed her to silence it, not wanting Kasumi's soufflé   
to fall.  
Then he frowned. "Nabiki . . ." he whispered. She nodded to show she was   
listening, but didn't say anything. "What if. . . what if Kasumi walks in on   
this?"  
"You just thought . . . of that did you?" She smiled warmly and kissed him. "All   
things considered . . . since she's drinking so much of that hot chocolate . . .   
she'll probably join right in, honey."  
Ryoga frowned. "Don't kid around." Ryoga whispered. What did hot chocolate have   
to do with anything?  
"You know . . . I'm not the . . . kidding type sweetie." Nabiki whispered   
slowly, trying to control her breathing, which Ryoga only now realized, was made   
up of short gasps. He couldn't be crushing her, he wasn't lying on her, and he   
was keeping his weight off of her. He wondered if she was okay.  
She closed her eyes again and kissed him. When their lips parted she whispered,   
her panting under control for the time being. "Ryoga . . . if Kasumi catches us,   
I'll handle everything. Don't worry." She whispered.  
"I'm not worried." Ryoga whispered, looking into her brown eyes again.  
"Then why did you stop?" She whispered.  
"I wasn't doing much to begin with." He smiled. "I didn't think you'd notice."   
He kissed her and told himself that if Nabiki, with all her intelligence and   
scheming was confident that Kasumi wouldn't be a problem, then he had to believe   
that she wouldn't.  
Ryoga moved his hand along Nabiki's long leg, over her thigh and then back to   
it's hiding place. Nabiki moaned loudly before he could silence her, she moved   
her hands over her pretty face to silence her own cries, Ryoga moved them away.  
He looked at her face, her cheeks were bright red, her eyes were half closed.   
She was panting again. Needless to say, Ryoga was hard again, he spread her legs   
apart with his hand, and slid his manhood into her body. She was, as before very   
tight, she practically squeezed him. She was wet and warm inside too. Ryoga had   
thought his heart was pounding as hard as it ever would. He was wrong. Even in   
his duels with Ranma he'd never felt like this, it was wonderful, and tiring at   
the same time, but in a different way than fighting.  
He began to thrust in and out of her, she seemed to get wetter, and even   
tighter, but he was absolutely sure she was getting warmer.  
He continued his thrusts, finding a sort of rhythm and keeping to it, holding   
her in his arms. She had grabbed fistfuls of sheets, which was of course   
preferable to clawing at his back. As he slid in and out of her, he felt his   
legs get weak, he closed his eyes tight, lost in a sea of pleasure. Nabiki cried   
out, arching her back and tightening her fists. Ryoga felt her grow tighter, and   
then much wetter. As she came, she locked her legs around him, without meaning   
to she forbade him from pulling away.  
He continued to thrust, his legs felt weak and suddenly a moan escaped his own   
lips, he had not intended to do it, it just happened. And then he felt an   
explosion of pleasure for the second time in his life, he let his seed flow into   
the middle Tendo daughter's womb again. (Womb is such a funny word-DOH! I   
interrupted again!)  
They looked into each other's eyes again, and Nabiki sighed weakly. "This cant   
be a drug." She mumbled.   
  
"Nihau!" Shampoo cried. "Shampoo and Mousse bring Ramen for Ranma and everybody   
but Violent Girl! We smash down wall, is okay yes?"  
"Eh . . . Shampoo, where is everyone?" Mousse asked.  
"Not know." Shampoo said. "We leave Ramen on table yes?"  
"Uh . . . okay." Mousse said. "What's this? Hot chocolate?"  
"EEE! Shampoo love hot chocolate! We drink all up, yes?"  
"Of course! What ever you say darling Shampoo!"  
  
Nabiki and Ryoga took turns cleaning themselves off, and took a vow to never   
speak of the events that occurred that night to Kasumi or Akane or *anyone*   
except Happo who they would track down, and depending on their mood, violently   
murder.  
They walked into the common room together, expecting the family to be home by   
now. They were indeed home, the door was barricaded but there was a huge hole in   
the wall. They were all crowed around the table where a cat was trying to mate   
with a duck, the duck wanting nothing to do with it. Shampoo and Mousse's cloths   
were strewn about the table, as were two overturned coffee mugs.  
"This isn't good." Ryoga mumbled.  
"We know nothing! Say nothing!" Nabiki warned him.  
  
Soun Tendo was relieved when he saw his middle child descend down the stairway.   
"Nabiki! What has happened in my absence? The kitchen is locked and barricaded,   
we don't even have a kitchen door, but somehow one has appeared! Shampoo and   
Mousse were tangled together in a rather disgusting display before Akane,   
screaming that her eyes burned poured a bucket of hot water over them. We can't   
find Kasumi, and we didn't know where you were-oh! Hello Ryoga! What are you   
doing here?"  
"We didn't do anything!" Ryoga exclaimed.  
"What?" Soun frowned.  
"What do you think made Shampoo change her mind about Mousse?" Ranma asked.  
"Why does it matter?" Akane demanded.  
"I guess it doesn't." Ranma nodded. "One less Fiancée I guess. I just wanna know   
what's going on."  
"It wasn't the hot chocolate!" Nabiki cried.  
"What?" Ranma frowned. Soun's frown grew.  
"Hot Chocolate?" He asked. 'Surely it isn't the old master's Hottie Chocolate!   
The very thing that provided me with countless mistresses. Naw . . . and yet'   
"Nabiki!" He exclaimed. "You-you!"  
"We didn't do it! I mean each other! I mean . . . eh . . ." Nabiki threw herself   
on the ground and trembled. "I didn't do anything! It was ALL Ryoga's fault!"   
Ryoga's pupils disappeared from his eyes and he looked as if he was ready to   
find Mrs. Saotome and ask her to help him to commit Seppuku.  
"Ryoga!" Soun cried. "You sold the Hottie Chocolate to Mousse so that he could   
get Shampoo to sleep with him?"  
"What?" Nabiki frowned. "Oh, that? THAT!? Oh yeah I eh . . . that's what I did.   
Yeah . . . Ryoga had nothing to do with it, it was all me and Mousse owes me a   
great deal of yen!"  
"QUACK!"  
"Silence!" Nabiki hissed.  
Soun frowned. "I'm going to go to sleep . . . when I wake up, that duck had   
better be gone."  
"Hey Ranma," Nabiki asked. "If Shampoo is a cat, why aren't you afraid of her   
right now?"  
"C-cat? Cat! Cat? Cat! AAAHHHH!" Ranma screamed, and ran off.  
"Drat! All those hours at the hypnotic department wasted!" Genma sighed. "The   
boy was supposed to be cured of his cat problem until a virgin asked him why he   
wasn't afraid of cats anymore. That's how we found out Akane was really a slut."  
"He cast the spell backwards! I swear I've never been with a man in my life!"   
Akane cried.  
"A virgin . . . yup. That's me." Nabiki said. "And Ryoga for that matter. Eh . .   
. no one go in my room, we haven't cleaned it yet . . . eh . . . since P-Chan   
ransacked it."  
"Nabiki!" Ryoga cried. Nabiki gave him a deadly look. Soun frowned. What were   
those two hiding? Oh no! They had given Kasumi the hot chocolate too and she'd   
gone to see Doctor Tofu! That had to be it!  
"Kasumi!" Soun cried. "I'm coming!" He grabbed a large mallet and ran off for   
Dr. Tofu's office. "I'll kill the pervert, don't worry Kasumi-baby! I'll save my   
little girl's purity!"  
He didn't hear Kasumi shout from the kitchen "MY SOUFLE HAS FALLEN! YOU SHALL   
ALL DIE! MY PRECIOUS!"  
  
The group all stood around Happo's hospital bed. He was so happy to see them!   
They DID care!  
"DEATH OLD MAN!" Ryoga cried as soon as Happo's eyes were open.  
"He's awake!" Kasumi cried.  
"Hold Ryoga back, we need answers from this shrimp!" Nabiki cried.  
The encounter was apparently not a loving family meeting.  
"Master, we have a simple question . . ." Kasumi said in her usual calm way. She   
presented him with his old bottle of Hottie Chocolate! "Why did you leave this   
in our kitchen? Disguised all to cleverly as hot chocolate?"  
"I was wondering where I put that!" Happo cried.  
"You drugged us!" Ryoga cried.  
"Did no such thing m'boy." Happo said. "Never did I force anyone to drink this.   
Anyone who wasn't female that is. Anyway this stuff is long past it's expiration   
date, once it expires it is useless as an aphrodisiac! It just makes girls of   
strong moral fiber go insane a cook a lot while perceiving anything that moves   
as a threat to the canister which contains the precious grains of hot chocolate!   
But none of you girls have strong moral fiber right?" Happo reasoned.  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nabiki cried.  
"We found Kasumi barricaded in the kitchen this morning! She was ritualistically   
sacrificing a pot roast!" Ryoga cried. "And Nabiki and I . . . eh . . . had   
problems of our own. And then Shampoo! Oh god Shampoo! I cant live with myself!   
The humiliation she's gone through!"  
"Nabiki is going to have a baby!" Kasumi enthused.  
"We don't know that fer sure!" Nabiki protested.  
"I see . . . well that was your subconscious minds knowing that they could blame   
their intentions on the hot chocolate. I knew Nabiki was a slut at heart. And   
Ryoga, what a cad. Yes, I shall take you both as my apprentices from this day   
forward! We'll be the panty thieving trio!" Happo said.  
"Now I have ANOTHER reason to kick my subconscious mind's ass!" Nabiki cried.  
"You mean Nabiki and I actually did fall in love?"  
Happo shrugged. "How the heck should I know? Sadly I didn't get to watch you two   
go at it!"  
"But if they are in love, but not in love because of the chocolate, what do we   
do with them? They won't stop having sex!" Kasumi cried.  
"That's a little hasty." Nabiki said. "We've only done it twice in our life   
times, we haven't even had the chance to do it today, what are you bitching   
about?"  
"Well there is one cure. One cure, just one cure. A potion, but to create it I   
must have your panties."  
"We're not THAT stupid!" Ryoga cried.  
"We're leaving!" Nabiki spat.  
"I'll send a nurse in to take care of you." Kasumi added.  
"Yay!" Happo cried.  
Then the male nurse came in. "The cute girl with long hair in the cooking apron   
said that you needed every sort of suppository available . . . where shall we   
start?"  
Hoppo frowned. His ass still hadn't recovered from the spiked club that Kodachi   
had shoved in there. "Hmm . . . well I suppose we may as well get it over with   
m'boy. But send in a female nurse instead."  
"Very well. Hilda!" The male nurse cried. An enormous woman with a beard came   
in.  
"Heir Doktor?" She demanded.  
"Suppositories for the little boy." The nurse said. "He needs one of every type   
we have available."  
"It will be my pleasure!" Hilda cried, pulling a plastic glove over her hand.  
"Dear god!" Hoppo cried. "I'll get back at you Kasumi! You and your sister too!   
Just wait till I slip you two some Hottie Chocolate that HASN'T expired!"  
"He's talking nonsense! Get the morphine!" The male nurse cried. "Administer it   
AFTER the suppositories!"  
"I'll make you pay!" Hoppo whined. "I'll make Ryoga pay too---AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"  
"Wait a second doctor, we have another patient. Local chiropractor, he's been   
whacked with a mallet several times." Said a nurse.  
"Dear god! Not another one!" The doctor cried. "When will these kids learn SNM   
just isn't right?"  
Dr. Tofu was brought in on a stretcher. "I will . . . get my revenge on whoever   
said I slept with Kasumi . . . after thanking them for their kind but unwelcome   
accusation . . ."  
"Then do I have a proposition for you-AAAAHHHHHHHH!" Happo cried.  
  
To Be Continued . . . NOT!  
  
The END!  
  
Grimm: WEE! A completed fic!  
Ryoga: Bouncing baby Jeebus on a pogo stick! I can't believe you! You sick   
bastard!  
Grimm: Now now, no cursing Ryoga.  
Nabiki: I'll scratch your eyes out!  
Grimm: Aww c'mon! We finished a fic guys! A completed fic at last!  
Nabiki: Until you get bored and continue it!  
Grimm: Naw, I wouldn't do that.  
Ryoga: (whisper whisper)  
Grimm: Really? I didn't know people could do that! You and Nabiki shall have to   
try it out in chapter 3!  
Ryoga: YES!  
Nabiki: Ryoga! I'll kill you too! After I'm done with you that is.  
Black Widow: Welcome to the Black Widow Clan.  
Nabiki: EEP! A spider! 


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. Chances are you don't own Ranma 1/2 either. Aren't we sad?  
  
Grimm: I know I said chapter two would be the only sequel, but you guys just wont stop asking-  
Nabiki: He's exaggerating! He likes doing this stuff!  
Grimm: Silence woman! Anyway I think I'll thank everyone again, that was fun!  
  
In order of Review and by god I hope I spelled the names right!  
  
Sonya ~ Well if yer stomach didn't explode my work isn't done my loyal reviewer. Let's see what you make of *this* chapter. You owe me an exploding stomach and I intend to collect! Oh yeah, thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to wink  
  
Hermione Weasley ~ Well I love my fix too, the first chapter was my first lemon so I can use that and the fact that they were virgins to explain why it sucked, but really it was my bad-I'm glad you think it got better though. And yes I'm especially proud of the crazed Kasumi-you just weren't expecting it were you? Hah! Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to wink  
  
Lina Gabriev ~ Another one from the first chapter-I didn't know you guys were gonna come *back* I'm so happy! And yes I'm twisted, I coulda sworn I told you guys it was my middle name. Actually my middle name is Chriton or something that I never learned how to spell but that's off topic. I'm so glad you noticed all my fics were funny, but to be honest I use humor when I realize I lack skill & plot. Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to wink  
  
Unkownloser ~ Okay, I'll write more, but don't think it's cause I want too! Runs off crying, then comes back to say "Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to" and to wink, the wink is vital doncha know  
  
Darling ~ By "this type of fanfiction" do you mean pointless sex humor, lemons or Nabiki/Ryoga match ups? If it's the later you simply must read more, Na/Ry is the second best pairing in my opinion-but that's just me. And I love hot chocolate too, any kind of hot chocolate, that's why I made hot chocolate the culprit in this story, I just couldn't figure out how to fit the giant German Shepherd in. Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to wink  
  
Sharon LeGrant ~ Whenever I write anything I'm high. High on love that is-I love writing! cough*yearight*cough seriously this sort of thing just comes out-like your lung-I don't need to be on anything to write pointless stuff that makes people laugh. If only I could apply this to real life and find a way to make money I could pay those bills of yours. Thanks and don't forget to keep reading and reviewing-what's this? $5,000 in lung replacing surgery!? wink  
  
Gethmane8 ~ Your confused. Not nuts, chocolate (J/K) and yes the coca was an excuse. I wanted a one hit fic I didn't want to spend umpteen something chapters setting up a believable relationship that everyone deems OOC anyway just because ... actually no all my works are pretty OOC ... anyway yeah, thanks for the review, don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to wink  
  
Liq0urish ~ eh . . . I'm not sure where I stand on this. Technically it was supposed to be over with chapter one, it was designed to be a one hit Na/Ry pointless fic, I didn't feel satisfied with the first chapter so I made the second and then these guys were bullying me into making the third chapter so here we go! Yes I'm going to blame it on the reviewers, I'd 'never' write lemons to pass time *cough* And thanks, don't forget to keep reading and reviewing, you know you want to or I'm a monkey's love slave-eh I mean uncle! wink  
  
Serena ~ Okies one more chapter then I gotta stop, honestly I never wrote a script for this, it's all flowing out of my head and trust me you *don't* want that kind of story. Rough House was that kind of story and THAT just didn't go well at all. But thanks, keep reading and reviewing, you know you want too wink  
  
That's everyone, thank you poor souls.  
  
Grimm: And don't worry, for I have now unlocked the secrets of writing a good lemon!  
Nabiki: He lies! He lies!  
Ryoga: He has learned nothing!!!  
Grimm: Alas, how can one succeed when his subordinates insult him so?  
Nabiki: . . . are you impersonating the one creature on this blue-green planet that I hate even more than you?  
Grimm: Kuno?  
Nabiki: . . . yes.  
Grimm: Yup.  
Nabiki: SCUM!  
Ryoga: We're not your subordinates, you'd be lucky to have us as even your co-workers, you only pretend we're here because it makes people laugh when we insult you!  
Grimm: It's true! It's true! (Runs off crying)  
Nabiki: Yay! We made him cry!  
Ryoga: Let's celebrate with five hours of sex!  
Nabiki: How about . . . NO!!! You wouldn't even last five hours!  
Ryoga: Wanna bet?  
Nabiki: Damn you! You know I can't resist an easily won bet!  
  
So . . . anyway . . . yeah . . . on to the fic . . .  
  
Cold Weather and Hot Water  
Part III  
It Gets Worse!  
  
Many moons have passed since Cold Water & Hot Weather. A few things to know, since the Hot Chocolate was expired the "unexpected fertility" didn't apply so Nabiki is not pregnant . . . oddly enough . . . Mousse is. Happo and Tofu are in the same hospital as you know, and Happo just HATES it. But now he plans his revenge, but woe unto him for Kasumi is about to make a discovery that makes Hottie Chocolate seem like . . . eh . . . something really lame. Enjoy.  
  
"I see . . ." Dr. Tofu nodded. He was wearing a full body cast after Soun had . . . abused him.  
"If we drug Kasumi too she'll sleep with anything, even a middle aged poor homeless bastard like you!" Happosai said.  
"I'm not poor or homeless, and my age is never disclosed." Tofu said calmly.  
"I don't really care sonny." Happi glared at the younger man. "What I want is my revenge on that Kasumi!"  
"What did she do?" Tofu asked. "She's such a sweet girl."  
"She-I don't want to talk about it!" Happi cried, rubbing his rear end. Usually he liked it when women shoved things up there, but that nurse. And the worst thing was Kasumi had told the doctor to-  
"Time for your five PM meds little boy!" The doctor said. "Nurse Hilda is out with a cold, but Nurse George will fill in."  
"I'm not a little boy!" Happi cried.  
"Right, you're a big kid." The doctor said. "If only your parents hadn't abused you so-a spiked gymnastics club, my god!"  
This earned the little dwarf a confused look from Tofu, Happosai just growled.  
"So you want to drug Kasumi, then I get to sleep with her? Somehow that's not quite how I imagined I'd confess my love to Kasumi, but if this hot coca will ensure she wont refuse me then I am all for it!"  
"Yes. Don't forget we need a video camera to catch the horrendous act, then put it on the net."  
"Why would we do that?"  
"Because we can." Happi said. "And while you are laying the lov'in on Kasumi, I'll be getting explicit photos of Ryoga and Nabiki, and taping them as well. Then we will put them up on the net also, and make lots of money and we'll tease Nabiki about how much more money than her we've made!"  
"What did they do?" Tofu asked.  
"They refused my gracious offer to train them in the ways of Panty Thievery."  
"So you want them to suffer humiliation?" Tofu frowned.  
"Exactly. And teenage pregnancy, thus the fertility drugs. I'll teach Ryoga to try to beat me up!" Happi wailed.  
"Wait . . . you want to use fertility drugs to get Ryoga pregnant?" Tofu asked.  
"No! I want to use them on Nabiki so she'll get pregnant!"  
"Oh . . . because she didn't want to learn how to steal panties?"  
"Exactly!"  
"But how will this affect Ryoga?"  
"He's the one who's going to bone Nabiki!"  
"I fail to see how setting Ryoga up with a free lay harms him." Tofu said.  
"Let me explain the plan again. Because Kasumi, Nabiki and Ryoga drank my hot chocolate Ryoga and Nabiki went nuts with lust while Kasumi just went plain nuts. They came for revenge!"  
"As would I." Tofu nodded.  
"And then Kasumi had a female nurse with a beard shove suppositories up my butt for hours! So she'll pay! And since I never leave a task half done, her sister will pay and Ryoga will pay!"  
"That seems . . . somewhat unbalanced . . . ridiculous." Tofu frowned.  
"So the plan is, my slow witted idiot friend, for you to be the first thing Kasumi sees after I slip her a hot steamy mug of hot chocolate laced with fertility drugs, we'll have a hidden camera set up to capture it all! Meanwhile I'll be taking snap shots and recording Ryoga and Nabiki after I all to cleverly sneak them both extra large mugs of hot coca laced with fertility drugs! And then in nine months, when both women are tied down to families for the rest of their young lives I'll laugh in their faces then make that bitch of a nurse shove suppositories up THEIR asses!"  
" . . . That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! That's just stupid." Tofu said. "Most definitely a plan inspired by evil."  
"Do you want to sleep with Kasumi or not?" Happi demanded.  
"It would be my extreme pleasure to serve the forces of evil on this one occasion." Tofu said without hesitation.  
  
Ryoga pressed against Nabiki, kissing her over and over again, moving his hands over her breasts, slowly moving between her legs and-  
"No sex until the baby is born!" Kasumi shouted from downstairs.  
"How does she do that!?" Ryoga groaned.  
"She's so damn keen on when were doing it, you'd think she'd figure out by now that I'm not pregnant!" Nabiki growled.  
"Well she can't keep us from kissing." Ryoga offered.   
Then, as he leaned forward to kiss her Kasumi shouted, "YES I CAN!"  
"How *does* she do that?" Nabiki asked with a frown.  
Yes life in the Tendo home had slowed down again, Nabiki wasn't pregnant (yet) Kasumi wasn't (completely) insane and Ryoga wasn't blamed for the messes that had been made of everyone's bedroom or the big hole in the wall that Shampoo and Mousse left. P-Chan however was blamed for all of the above.  
Shampoo on the other hand was denying that she could have ever tried to rape Mousse as a cat, and Mousse was insisting that his duck form had suffered the worst sort of sex possible-that of a bird and a mammal.  
Ranma was hypnotized again, this one would kick in only if he saw a cat, this time it was if a non-virgin asked him why he wasn't afraid of the cat he'd go nuts, and if a virgin asked him he'd see the current cat as a dog, if no one asked him the cat would be invisible. Akane, again insisting that the spell had been cast backwards was shocked when-after asking Ranma why he wasn't afraid of the cat on his shoulder-he shoved a bottle of hot sauce where the sun don't shine and proclaimed himself Ranma Hot Pants. When Nabiki asked he just said "What cat" and went to pet the kitty calling it "Rover"  
Needless to say this was both amusing and confusing since Nabiki knew she wasn't a virgin, but Akane probably was. However Soun, refusing to believe that the hypnotist had again screwed up again had declared Akane a slut and went about purifying her soul, and her body. Enforcing new rules to maintain the chastity of his little girl he bought Akane a waterbed.  
~~~~~~  
"Gee daddy, don't you think that would hurt the process more than help it?" Nabiki had asked.  
"Nonsense! Your still a virgin so you don't know, but it's impossible to have sex on a waterbed!" Soun had laughed. Then he got a great three for one deal, and had installed the cursed waterbeds in each bedroom.  
~~~~~~  
Nabiki had one too and she hat to admit while sex wasn't impossible it was much more difficult and much noisier. Not that she'd really had a chance to test it out since Kasumi seemed to just *know* when she and Ryoga were about to go at it.  
Nabiki had decided to take Ryoga as her exclusive lover for the time being since she really wasn't sure whom she wanted to cheat on him with. After all, it'd been her intention to become the biggest slut in town (remember?) and so far it proved more difficult than she expected. Just choosing her first target was a pain.  
There was Ranma, but . . . eh . . . no. Mousse? To hooked on Shampoo. Pantyhose? Naw. There were a lot of boys but none were really . . . what she was looking for right now. Really she felt most of her options would be a trade down from Ryoga, after all he'd make the perfect husband if things went on long enough. He traveled enough that she wouldn't have the time to get tired of him, and during his absence she could commit whatever horrendous acts of adultery she wanted. What better husband was there? And of course she'd figure out some way for him to make mass amounts of money on his travels so that when he did show up at home he could pay all of the bills and she could save all the money she'd make (from her promiscuous sex adventures or otherwise) to spend on herself!  
"No plotting either!" Kasumi shouted.  
"Damn you woman!" Nabiki shouted back. 'How does she do that?!'  
  
Kasumi took a sip of her hot chocolate, the canister of Hottie Chocolate was almost emptied, and she wanted to finish it off. Sure there were side effects, but unlike her sister or Shampoo she at least didn't go looking for a quick lay when she drank it. Good thing she hadn't been able to find P-Chan when the canister demanded a sacrifice, luckily that pot roast had been closest to hand.  
She took a long sip, and smiled. "Yum!" She said happily. She was . . . happy to have . . . this . . . chocolate . . . huh? Everything was starting to spin and she fell on the floor in a swoon, or rather she tried to. She wasn't sure what a swoon was, so she just fainted instead, it was easier.  
  
Kasumi's Dream . . .  
  
Kasumi wasn't quite ready to admit she was dreaming because unlike usual nothing was two-dimensional, there were no bright colors, no bunnies and birdies and other cute things dancing and singing and there was no miraculously well stocked kitchen. (Well what do YOU think she dreams about? Tofu? Not bloody likely in a Grimm story baby!!)  
So because of this, Kasumi was absolutely sure that she was having a vision. The Hottie Chocolate gods had blessed her, their most loyal drinker with a vision!  
Damn she had to give that stuff up!  
"Kasumi!" Said a large mug of hot chocolate with a booming voice. "Kasumi!"  
"Huh? Oh wow! It's a large mug of hot chocolate with a booming voice!" Kasumi said happily, clapping her hands. "Can I drink you?"  
"NO! Damn you woman I'm a large mug of hot chocolate, if you drank me I'd be a large mug of nothing, do I go to you and say 'Hey, can I drink your blood'? Do I!?"  
"You want to drink my blood?" Kasumi frowned.  
"No!" The mug cried. "Curse you woman! Listen to me-for I . . . am . . . your . . . spirit guide!"  
"My spirit guide is a mug of hot-"  
"Don't interrupt! Now listen and listen carefully. Very soon Happosai will come to you for revenge, and if his plan succeeds you and your sister will both be tied down to small unhappy families by next year and if that happens you wont have time to drink Hottie Chocolate so we cannot let that happen!"  
"Right!" Kasumi said. "Death to all who oppose Hottie Chocolate!"  
"Well *death* is a little extreme!" The mug cried. "Don't take this to seriously, your not going to kill anyone!"  
"Not even one person?" Kasumi asked with a frown.  
"No!"  
"Your no fun!"  
"I'm a friggin floating mug of hot chocolate with a booming voice, will you just shut up and let me tell my message before the tiny evil one arrives!"  
"Okay." Kasumi nodded.  
"You must quest to the living room and find the magical box that tells all of life's lies and all of life's truths at the same time. Then you must look into this box and shout "Purple Monkey Dish Washer" and it will tell you what you need to know."  
"Cant you just tell me what I need to know now rather than giving me a complicated riddle?"  
"What box tells lies and truths? It's the TV woman! Think straight!"  
"Sorry."  
"You are forgiv-stop trying to drink me! Now listen carefully, you must not let Nabiki get revenge on Happi, this will start a cycle that will never end and lead to a fourth chapter!"  
"A fourth chapter of what?"  
"Who cares? Just don't let it happen damn you!"  
"Okies!"  
"Now wake up!"  
"Huh?"  
"WAKE UP!" Ranma shouted.  
  
Back in the real world . . . eh . . . *their* real world  
  
"Wake up Kasumi!" Ranma shouted. "Your lying on the floor fainted you know!"  
"Really Ranma, I'm sure she'd never figure it out on her own." Akane scowled.  
"Bite me!"  
"Okay!" Akane said, lunging forward and latching onto Ranma's shoulder with her teeth.  
"YYEEEOOWWWW!" Ranma ran off screaming, Akane still attached to his shoulder, Kasumi was left with a blank smile on her face. She blinked a couple times, then looked around the kitchen. Empty.  
"Oh my, I seem to have fainted." Kasumi said to herself when she was ready to get back to playing the game called life. "Oh yes, I must go and watch TV!" She got up and went and watched TV. Then, simply because she wasn't sure what might be going on since she'd been unconscious for umpteen something minutes she shouted "NO SEX UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN!"  
Her response was "We weren't even in the same room! I swear!" From Ryoga, and "Don't you ever quit?!" From Nabiki who sounded really annoyed.  
Kasumi watched TV for a very long time, until finally it hit her. She saw the salvation of her family and she knew how to keep Nabiki from getting revenge on Happosai after Happosai got his revenge on her.   
"Nabiki! I'm going to the market! I'm begging you as your loving older sister and acting matriarch of this house not to have sex while I'm gone or I'll have to have you boiled in oil, skinned alive, raped until the sex drive is beaten out of you and then sent to a monastery!" She said, her cheerful smile never slipping once. "If the old master shows up don't drink anything he gives you and seek out hidden cameras!" She got ready and went to the market, humming a song to herself as she set out.  
Meanwhile the giant mug just shook himself (got no head) and said "I didn't mention the video camera did I?"  
  
Unfortunately that very moment Happosai arrived at, Hotel La Tendo. He quickly tracked down Kasumi's favorite mug and filled it 6 parts fertility drugs, four parts Hottie Chocolate. "There!" He said, satisfied with his work. "If that doesn't get her going nothing will! Even a drop more though, and she'd be uncontrollable."  
"ADD MORE YOU FOOL!" Tofu screamed.  
"Oh, I forgot you were following me." Happo frowned. "Trust me, you don't want an out of control Kasumi, it may not be healthy." He said. "Besides, we must ensure she gets pregnant."  
"But the chocolate causes fertility too!"  
"It does?" Happo looked at the canister. "Holy crap! No wonder Soun had three daughters before his wife bit the dust! Y'know now I'm not surprised Soun was more progenitive than Genma!"  
"Progenitive isn't a word, and if it were any man who can father a woman like Kasumi is uber superior to Genma!"  
"Uber isn't a word either m'boy!" Happi growled. "But this is no time for argument, our plans must be adjusted to compensate for the fertility drugs in the hot chocolate!"  
"You didn't know?" Tofu demanded.  
"Of course I did! I must have forgotten!" Happo growled. He shook his head. "No matter. Maybe you'll have twins."  
"Curse you old man! She isn't even here!"  
"No time to worry about details, I must go and administer the coup-de-grace to Nabiki and Ryoga!"  
"Right . . . you know you're a terrible business partner! Oh hey, you left the canister in the kitch-oh forget it."  
  
However . . .   
"The monastery thing was a bit much." Nabiki frowned.  
"The part about being raped until the sex drive is beaten out of you isn't?" Ryoga frowned.  
"Of course not, who'd she get to rape me? No one tough enough to fight *you* and win, right my darling?" Nabiki asked, batting her eyelashes. "You'd protect me . . . wouldn't you sweet heart?"  
"Eh . . . against Kasumi? I don't know, she's pretty scary when she wants to be."  
"Bastard!"  
"I didn't say I wouldn't!" Ryoga frowned.  
"Not you!" Nabiki hissed. She pointed behind Ryoga, he turned and saw Happosai holding a video camera over his shoulder, and two hot steaming mugs in one hand. Really, considering he was one foot nothing it was an impressive show of strength.  
"Thought I might bring you two some refreshments, and if you felt like it, we could record a quick skit on my video camera!"  
"A skit?" Nabiki asked skeptically.  
"Oh sure! Not like I was going to drug you then record your outrageous sex-fest with this here cam . . . er . . . ah . . . oops."  
Nabiki looked outraged, Ryoga on the other hand was quite thirsty, so he eagerly took the mug and was about to drink before Nabiki slapped it away from him. "Don't you *ever* learn?" She demanded.  
"What? What did I do?" Ryoga protested.  
"He's trying to drug us! That's probably that damnable hot chocolate that started us off in the first place!" Nabiki scowled. "Well it won't work Happi! Ryoga and I aren't interested in your stupid hot chocolate!"  
However, one thing Ryoga didn't expect: Happosai tossed the other mug away and shrugged. "That's fine. But Kasumi is gone, how long has it been since you two had sex? I recall a young girl once saying that once she lost her virginity she'd be the biggest whore in-"  
"Stop talking about Kasumi!" Nabiki yelped, a warning glare in her eyes shut the little lecher up.  
"Wait a minute, wasn't he sealed in a cave for most of Kasumi's childhood?"  
"I have my spies!" Happo cried. "Millions and millions of spies! You never know who, where or *what* they are! Now have sex for the camera or else!"  
"Or else what?" Nabiki scowled. Ryoga on the other hand wasn't opposed to the idea, minus the camera and the short balding man of course.  
"Or else . . . I . . . I have nothing." Happosai admitted. "But I will not be denied!"  
"Nice camera." Nabiki said with a wicked grin. She grabbed it, then used it to whack the little man out the window. "Bye!" She shouted.  
"Why didn't you do that from the start?" Ryoga asked.  
"No time for talk! They have incurred my wrath and must not live to tell about it!" Nabiki said.  
"I see . . ."  
"Damn you and your sweet talk!" Nabiki cried, lunging for him. They kissed, swapping tongues for a few moments, moving their hands over each other's bodies, Ryoga feeling Nabiki up and down until . . .  
The phone rang and Ranma shouted form down stairs, "Nabiki! It's for you! It's Kasumi!"  
"DAMN HER!" Nabiki wailed.  
  
Kasumi came home very late that night, her hot chocolate was cold and Dr. Tofu got into playing cards with Ranma, who despite cheating couldn't beat some one with a medical doctrine-even if it was a forgery.  
Tofu had *completely* forgotten about the hot chocolate, and when Kasumi came home the first thing she did was drink the whole dang thing.  
Why she did it we may never know, but for better or worse Kasumi Tendo, eldest daughter of the Tendo clan was the first of five to drink Hottie Chocolate un -expired in this fic. Go figure.  
  
Who are the other four? Well since Mousse and Shampoo have already had their . . . "experience", Ryoga and Nabiki aren't that stupid (or are they?), and I don't want to envision Akane in any sort of sexual activity who ever could it be?  
"Nabiki Tendo!" Kodachi Kuno shouted. "I have come for compensation!" (Like envisioning her in any sort of sexual activity is so much better than Akane eh?)  
"Yes, those breasts of yours compensate your personality very well!" Some one shouted. Further inspection would prove it was the one foot tall lawn gnome which looked quite familiar, but Kodachi didn't believe it could speak.  
"Nabiki isn't home!" Nabiki shouted from her window.  
"Hello Kodachi!" Kasumi said cheerfully. Kodachi noted that in typical fashion the older woman hadn't opened her eyes, they were instead happy little arches to compliment her anime smile. "Won't you come inside?"  
"Yes I shall." Kodachi nodded. "I am seeking Nabiki Tendo, who accidentally purchased sex drive enhancers from me, they take ten years to brew, I will not be able to replace them and I demand, in exchange a date with Ranma Saotome!"  
Kasumi opened her eyes and paused for a moment. "Oh-ho."  
"WHY ISNT SHE RIPPING HER CLOTHS OFF!?!" Dr. Tofu screamed from outside at the little lawn gnome.  
"Wait Five minutes for effect!" The Gnome cried. Kodachi *knew* the lawn gnome had spoken to her! She would kill it on her way out, surely it was evil.  
However Kasumi smiled blankly and offered a mug of hot chocolate to Kodachi. "Thirsty? This stuff is great! If you have high moral fiber it won't affect you! Or was it . . . if you have high moral fiber you'd go insane? I forget, but it's really quite refreshing." Kasumi said cheerfully. "Nabiki and Ryoga drank some, and now Nabiki is going to have a-"  
"No she isn't!" Nabiki Tendo shouted from the stairway. "And Kasumi, don't be giving that stuff to our guests, they'll leave with a complex!"  
"Like Shampoo." Ryoga noted.  
Kodachi ignored them and drank the hot chocolate. It tasted quite nice. It was expired but as Happi said the expired version makes people act on subconscious desires. What would a noble rich girl who goes to an all girls school and runs around after a pigtailed boy desire? The pigtailed future sister in law of course.  
Just kidding. You were scared weren't you? No, actually as Tofu said Happi left the canister in the kitchen, Kasumi mistook it for the un-expired substance and now Kodachi Kuno has the honor of being the *second* person to drink un-expired Hottie Chocolate. Wait five minutes for effect.  
  
Who will be third?   
  
I'm sorry dear readers, but Grimm has *no* self control, once he sets out to do something really ridiculous he wont stop for any reason! Now behold, the next drinker was to be none other than Ran-  
"Hey Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "Don't drink-you fool!"  
Okay, Ranma wasn't fast enough. Maybe he can be fourth?  
"Ranma and I are going to go do something far away and out of earshot of even the most lustful screams." Akane said, waving goodbye. "And dad won't be home for a good three hours!"  
Though so far she was the only person not to drink the pure hottie chocolate Nabiki certainly felt the same effects her sister and lover were feeling. Mostly because she was an opportunist, but partially because she hadn't been laid since chapter two which was written about a month ago, and for an aspiring whore that was far to long.  
~ Getting Laid in Three Easy Steps; by Sun Tzu (Author of The Art Of War) ~  
~ Step one . . . One must distract elder siblings . . .  
"Hey Kasumi! I think the pot roast is back for revenge!" Nabiki cried.  
"WAK!" Kasumi threw herself behind the couch.  
~ Step two . . . One must grab selected lover and run like hell . . .   
"Ryoga!" Nabiki snapped.  
"Huh?"  
She grabbed his arm and made a mad dash for her bedroom, dragging along a somewhat confused Ryoga, who was dragging a determined Kodachi.  
"Nabiki Tendo! Before you take refuge from the pot roast's dangerous assault I require my payment!"  
~ Step three . . . One must get rid of Kodachi before Kasumi realizes that she already got the pot roast before it could get her and thus her hiding behind the couch is pointless and shouts once again "No Sex Until Baby!" and causes you to go nuts . . . use as applicable.  
"Look! It's Ranma!"  
"WHERE!?" Kodachi cried.  
And thus Nabiki Tendo, mistress of financial strategy successfully pulled off one of Sun Tzu's most confusing maneuvers. Of course guys like He Jin and Liu Yong really didn't stand a chance, not knowing Kodachi Kuno or Kasumi Tendo and thus not being able to complete task three. Only person to ever accomplish this task before was Cao Mengde, and hell he lived in a big bronze tower with 90-something younger women . . . did he really need it?  
  
No there was no real point to that whole portion of the story. But now that you know Kodachi and Kasumi are both drugged, and that Ryoga is also very much drugged (this time for real) our story's foundation is set. Took me long enough eh?   
Don't worry, five people will in fact drink the chocolate, three down the last two will shock and amaze, you'll never guess who it is, or why! (And Mr. Smarty-Pants who thinks he knows the answer-it won't be Happi and Tofu, Nabiki has something worse planned for them) Now enough direct narratives and back to my usual style.  
"And just what is that? You have no style at all." Tofu shouted.  
Tofu suddenly became a woman.  
"You insulted the author didn't you?" Happi frowned.  
"I am so terribly sorry! Please, take it back!" Tofu wept bitter tears.  
So he became male again. Then as he looked inside the window he saw that Kodachi and Kasumi were calmly drinking the hot chocolate but . . .  
"The door is locked!" He wailed.  
"So it is . . ." Happosai nodded. "See ya lad."  
"Where are you going?"  
"To watch the fun!"  
  
Ryoga was sitting in Nabiki's room flipping through the pages of her diary. Had he stopped to read it he might have noticed a few passages about himself that were less than complimentary, with one entry about him being a total idiot, but he wasn't actually reading it. He was far to distracted by Nabiki.  
"I didn't bring you up here to read Akane's diary!"  
"It's Akane's?" Ryoga frowned. "I was wondering why you were writing about upperclassman Kuno hounding you."  
"You think guys don't hound me!?" Nabiki demanded. "How can you become a jealous boyfriend if you're not jealous?"  
"Search me." Ryoga shrugged. Nabiki came a little closer to him. She seemed almost shy compared to this morning, and he wondered why. He had to admit he was actually feeling a little more courageous, he blamed it completely on the fact that Kasumi would be to busy trying to kill the pot roast before it could get to her to stop them if they finally got started.  
Armed with that knowledge Ryoga leaned towards Nabiki and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close to him. He pressed his lips against hers, she decided to explore his mouth-which he didn't really mind but didn't fully appreciate either. It was something he still hadn't gotten quite used to.  
He moved his hands slowly bringing them to her shorts and unbuttoning them for her, something she didn't seem to keen on. "Hey, your not cutting straight to the chase are you?"  
"Why not?" Ryoga blinked a couple of times in confusion.  
"Dear god! Have you ever heard of foreplay?"  
"No, what's that?"  
" . . . Eh . . . I can't tell you that."  
"You don't know." Ryoga nodded.  
"I know everything! There are just some things to complicated to tell you."  
"You two have done this twice already and you're still no good at it?" Kasumi gasped.  
"Hey! Get out of my . . . why are your eyes red?" Nabiki frowned.  
"We have come for the wandering boy." Kodachi said.  
"My name is Ryoga and you *know* it's Ryoga!" Ryoga cried.  
"Come to me wandering boy and fill me with your passion!" Kodachi said dramatically.  
"Is that another word for cum?" Kasumi asked.  
"Is *that* another word for . . . screw it, what the heck are you two talking about?" Nabiki frowned. Ryoga was completely lost.  
  
Happi wasn't though. "BWAHAHA! Behold my revenge! Nabiki's true love will go and have sex with Kasumi and Kodachi instead of her and she'll be forced to watch!"  
"That wasn't the plan!" Tofu cried.  
"Did you consider that they might all four just have an orgy?" Some one asked. Happi and Tofu wheeled around and almost fell out of the tree they were in when they saw Cologne sitting on her stick watching them.  
"That never crossed my mind, I'll admit." Happi said.  
"Is he really her true love?" Cologne said. "Or is he just the first guy she's ever slept with, because teenagers rarely fall into true love."  
Tofu yawned. "He better not touch Kasumi!"  
"He is, he has to be otherwise I've failed to get my revenge on Nabiki!" Happi cried.  
"Weren't you trying to get revenge on Kasumi?" Tofu frowned.  
" . . . Crud! Forget it! Let's just sit back, relax and enjoy the show!" Happi offered.  
"A shame son-in-law isn't there or I could black mail him."  
"This tree seems crowded." Tofu frowned.  
"Your right. Down you go!" Happi laughed wickedly kicking Tofu out of the tree. The doctor would be needing another body cast.  
  
Nabiki glared at Ryoga, Kasumi and Kodachi. It was an impasse, Ryoga could stay with her or go with them, all three of them together wasn't an option, not as far as she was concerned, she didn't care what aphrodisiacs he was jazzed up on, if he was going to have sex with her there simply couldn't be extra girls or for that matter an audience, she slammed the curtains over the window after sticking her tongue out at Cologne and Happi.  
"Okay Ryoga, you can go with them if you want, or you can stay with me." Nabiki said calmly.  
Ryoga shrugged. "Why would I have sex with Kasumi and Kodachi?"  
"Because you're drugged!" Happi cried from Nabiki's panty drawer.  
"How'd he get in there!?" Nabiki yelped.  
"I'll be adding the whole drawer to my collection, and the one's your wearing too!"  
"You're not getting (swoop) AIIE! This sort of thing is only supposed to happen to Akane!" Nabiki yelped, pulling her shirt down over her waist.  
"What a haul! What a haul!" Happi cried, leaping off. Cologne frowned.  
"He seems to have forgotten about getting revenge. I am no longer amused. I bid you good day."  
"It's a living mummy!" Kodachi cried.  
WHACK "And YOU young lady, are no lady!"  
"Kodachi is a man?" Ryoga and Kasumi said together. Ryoga sounded surprised, Kasumi sounded hopeful.  
"That's not what I meant. Forget it! I meant she's a bitch!" Cologne said, hopping away.  
"Okay Nabiki," Kasumi said. "Back to the point, we need Ryoga, so you can let us have him, or you can join in I guess."  
"No! He's mine! I won't share!" Nabiki whined like a small child, throwing her arms around Ryoga to keep him from walking off, which she noticed he didn't try to do anyway. What a loyal guy he was!  
"You know . . ." Ryoga said calmly. "The neighbors that just moved in, they are two bachelors recently divorced from their wives."  
"WWEEE!" Kasumi and Kodachi ran out the door. Nabiki scratched her head.  
"I didn't know our new neighbors were bachelors!" Nabiki yelped, wondering if one of them would be the handsome heartthrob she needed to replace Ryoga.  
"You mean there *are* new neighbors?" Ryoga shrugged. Nabiki glared at him.  
"Let me get this straight . . . you just drank non-expired Hottie Chocolate, and in the face of temptation you send two beautiful women-both of whom were probably virgins-away and stay with me?" Nabiki asked skeptically.  
"Define temptation." Ryoga said with a shrug. "I call them an interruption."  
Nabiki smiled weakly. Even under the influence of powerful drugs Ryoga wanted *her*. Not Kasumi, not Kodachi, not Kodachi and Kasumi together, and probably not Akane either, he wanted *her* and only her! Oh yeah, Kuno or Ranma would be a trade down.  
Nabiki lunged towards Ryoga and kissed him, but he wasn't very responsive. She frowned and threw herself back on her bed, and felt it fluctuate. "Well?" She asked. "Are we going to do this or not?"  
"I'm cursed." He said. "Whenever we get started something comes up. I think fate is trying to tell us something."  
"Fate can go to hell, we haven't done it for a month and I'm not waiting any longer!" Nabiki growled.  
Ryoga smiled weakly at her, and sat on the edge of her bed. "Calm down." He whispered. "We'll get to that, but first we have some business to attend to."  
"Okay, I know I'm really mean when it comes to money but that's uncalled for!" Nabiki cried.  
"I eh . . . didn't mean it *that* way." Ryoga frowned.  
"I knew that." Nabiki nodded sagely. What else could Ryoga want to talk about?  
"What are we going to do if you get pregnant?" Ryoga asked.  
"Why do you choose now to have a brain?" Nabiki growled.  
"Well?" Ryoga asked. "'Cause you should know better than anyone that we cant afford a family."  
"We? Whose we? Oh you mean you-the bankrupt wandering boy, and me-the financially brilliant-wont ever not be able to afford anything in her whole life-girl?"  
"Eh . . . okay something like that."  
"Right. Well what can I say other than "I wont get pregnant"?"  
"Oh to hell with it!" Ryoga sighed (five minutes had passed) Without warning he leaned forward and Nabiki leaned back. He separated her legs-gently-and moved his hand between them, moving it back and forth painfully slowly.  
Nabiki closed her eyes for a moment, trying to think. Something bothered her, something in the back of her head said to stop-or at least wait, but she couldn't, rather she really didn't want to at all. Not with Ryoga was making all the moves, she liked it she just lied back and let him do everything.  
She sighed and let him move his fingers in and out of her, his pace had quickened but just a bit, it was still slow, and Nabiki was surprised to discover she didn't actually mind that one bit.  
But she didn't want his hand, she wanted . . . well . . . you know. "Ryoga, c'mon stop fooling around."  
"You said you wanted foreplay."  
"Alright I admit I don't know what that is okay?" Nabiki growled.  
"Kasumi is right, we've done this twice and we're still no good at it."  
"Or maybe it's *you* whose no good." Nabiki scowled.  
"No, I'm pretty sure it's all your fault. I'll prove it too." Ryoga said with a smile.  
"How?" Nabiki demanded.  
She gasped for air as Ryoga thrust into her, his hand gone, replaced by something much better, she closed her eyes in ecstasy and futilely tried to keep herself from moaning. He moved in and out of her for a few moments, warmth building between them, Nabiki moaned a little more, while Ryoga kept quiet and calm, not breaking his rhythm, but apparently deciding to stop and pull away from her when Nabiki was nearing her climax.  
"You see?" Ryoga whispered in her ear, sounding a little breathless. "I'm not so bad."  
"You've got . . . your uses, that I'm . . . not trying to . . . dispute." Nabiki said, through gasps she was regaining her calm composure, "All that I'm say'in is . . . I'd probably be better off . . . with someone a little more experienced. Someone cute."  
"I'm not cute?" Ryoga frowned. Nabiki grinned wickedly and kissed the younger boy gently on the cheek, and shook her head as if delivering terrible news.  
"You've got rugged good looks, sort of like Ranma or Mousse, but you lack the cute soft features of my usual . . . targets." Nabiki smiled wickedly. "That's okay, I like you anyway." She added with a wink.  
"Yeah? Well that's good to know, because you're to busty, to cynical and to confusing, you're to soft and weak but I like you anyway." Ryoga said easily, Nabiki wondered if he meant it, decided he probably did, yet didn't find herself at all offended. Though one remark annoyed her.  
"To busty? What you'd rather I be flat like Akane?"  
"Akane is a lot prettier. She's got these rugged good looks and the flat chest of a multi-athlete that I find quite attractive." Ryoga said with a grin. Nabiki whacked him on the side of the head.  
"No thinking about my sister!" She commanded. "Don't forget who your lying on top of right now!"  
"Hmm? Which one were you again? Kasumi? Oh sorry, Akane has just filled my mind with-"  
"Watch it buddy!" Nabiki warned. She knew Ryoga couldn't possibly find Akane more attractive than her . . . could he? No! Of course not . . . and yet . . . so many others seemed to . . . "So I'm soft and weak am I? This from a guy who thinks Ranma's kicks are like a gust of wind!"  
"Yeah." Ryoga said with a grin. "But by weak I meant you'd never last five seconds in a duel with lets just say . . . Ukyo, and being soft is okay cause your soft in all the right places."  
"You've been saving that one." Nabiki grinned. "How long?"  
"Our argument a week ago." Ryoga said with a weak smile.  
"You come up with seduction lines during arguments?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Your sexy when you're mad." Ryoga shrugged.  
"Then you must be real turned on right now." Nabiki said glaring at Ryoga. "What're you going to do about that?"  
"Go to sleep, I'm tired out." Ryoga said simply.  
"Don't you dare!" Nabiki warned. "Who knows when Kasumi will go insane and leave us alone again!"  
"Well . . . if you insist." Ryoga frowned. "But . . . tell me something Nabiki . . . you don't happen to have any sort of protection do you?"  
"That it! I'm going to break your neck Ryoga!" She huffed. "If you wanted condoms or something you should have bought them yourself."  
"Sure. Trip to the drugstore, three days. Figure out which isle the condoms are in, ten hours, working up the courage to actually buy them: Timeless."  
"You wuss!" Nabiki cried. "Alright! Yes I *am* that resourceful and that well prepared for this moment! I've been on the pill ever since our first night together!" Nabiki lied. What were the odds of anything happening?  
Ryoga seemed to accept this answer and at last he began to kiss her, moved his hands over her body, and so on. Nabiki Tendo began to tremble with excitement, she couldn't wait, her entire being seemed to cry out for Ryoga, she simply couldn't wait any longer for this.  
Ryoga thrust into her quickly, without warning his first thrust came as such a surprise that Nabiki actually flinched in surprise and gasped. She wrapped her arms around Ryoga and decided to give him a friendly warning.  
"Stop early . . . again and . . . I'll slit your throat."  
"You're a real sweet talker." Ryoga said grimly.  
Nabiki kissed him, pressing her lips against his, feeling a surge of pleasure rush through her from that simple act.  
She could feel Ryoga thrusting in and out of her body, it'd been a while but it was a sensation she quickly remembered and she made feeble attempts to match his thrusts with some of her own, however the friction, warmth and pleasure she felt was just too much and soon Ryoga was literally doing all the work.  
She closed her eyes tight and felt a wave of pleasure wash over her, he legs felt weak and trembled and she moaned loudly, feeling her juices flow from her body. She felt, or rather sensed Ryoga's climax as well however he pulled away from her, or tried to, she made a determined thrust forward and wrapped her legs around him trapping him.  
His confused look more than justified the effort. She enjoyed feeling his "passion" as Kodachi called it inside her, and furthermore her refusal to play it safe had confused Ryoga as had-he later confessed-her speed in an all but inebriated state. She liked confusing him.  
"Why'd you do that?" He asked.  
"Why not?" Nabiki shrugged.  
"What if you . . . never mind."  
"That's right, never mind." She said with a grin, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tight.  
  
Kasumi smiled blankly the next morning when Ryoga wondered down stairs. The events of last night were a complete blur to her, she remembered something about Kodachi, hot chocolate, a mission, etc. She *had* woken up in bed with Kodachi but she told herself that that had been because they had been snowed in together . . . maybe. Though it really didn't explain the cucumber, or the gymnastics club.  
"Good morning Ryoga! I hope you slept well!"  
"I didn't sleep." Ryoga groaned.  
"Oh . . . that's to bad. Why don't you have some breakfast?"  
"Nabiki will find some way to put it on my bill."  
"Bill?" Kasumi frowned.  
"Never mind." Ryoga sighed.  
Kasumi went into the kitchen and began cooking. "Is Nabiki still asleep?"  
"I dunno, she wasn't in bed when I woke up . . . eh . . . I mean I didn't see her when I walked by her room . . . I'm screwed aren't I?"  
"Indeed." Kasumi said happily. "Don't worry though, I wont tell father . . . he's not home."  
"Oh-ho."  
Kasumi went into the kitchen and began cooking . . . she soon found something new . . . a small canister next to the hottie chocolate.   
Hottie Marshmallows!  
Kasumi decided to make some hot chocolate, the only canister was the Hottie Chocolate . . . funny, it was all re-filled and stuff . . . and she put the marshmallows in. "Here Ryoga!" She said happily. He eyed the contents with a frown.  
"Nabiki told me to stop drinking this sort of stuff."  
"She's not here now. It's expired remember?"  
"Eh . . . yeah . . . but . . ."  
Kasumi shook her head at Ryoga's stubbornness. She took a sip of hers, ate one of the marshmallows and blacked out.  
  
Meanwhile . . . Nabiki sat patiently in the Cat Café with Cologne and Happi. The two oldsters were drinking coffee while Nabiki drank a glass of plain water. She didn't want to risk ever drinking anything else again.  
"So what did you want to see us about this early in the morning?" Happi asked.  
"Just to say that, you've won." Nabiki said with a sly smile.  
"I've what?"  
"Tofu told me you tried to drug me and my sister and get us tied down to families for your own amusement. I surrender and we'll happily pose nude for you and your web page."  
"Really?" Happi asked, stars in his eyes.  
"No. I've come for revenge, enjoy the effects of the chocolate you tried to get me to drink you poor stupid fool."  
"What? What the heck are you . . ." he looked at his coffee . . . "Oh you're good. You're so good . . ."  
"I got Shampoo a date with Ranma and she was all to happy to switch your coffees." Nabiki said with a grin.  
"Why did you give us both the drugged chocolate?" Cologne asked.  
"Because I knew that you'd both be unable to resist each other. I've sewed an Anti-Woman patch on Happi's cloths, but you Cologne will be immune to it. And happily I've still got Happi's video camera."  
"Don't think this wont go un-avenged!" Happi cried. "I can just take off my cloths and the patch is gone!"  
"Yeah, you could . . . if I hadn't sewed your cloths onto your skin."  
"When did you get the chance to do that?!" Happi cried.  
"Never you mind." Nabiki said calmly, "more importantly because you're cloths are sewed on you wont be taking them off, thus you'll spend the rest of the day dragging your crotch against the ground eager for satisfaction, and Cologne will be the only person with interest."  
"You'll pay for this!" Happi cried.  
Nabiki shook her head. "I never pay for anything myself. You should have known that before you messed with me. I am the queen of the world, I rule everything and everyone including you and as for Dr. Tofu, don't doubt that he too will suffer great pain when he learns he's been drafted into the navy!"  
"He's been what?" Happi cried.  
"Silence small creature!" Nabiki scowled. She got up to leave, and turned back at the two elders. "I'll be seeing you, right now I've got a drugged boyfriend to get back to, see ya!"  
She left the two old people ripping their cloths off and having the most disgusting sex anyone had ever seen, Shampoo was covering her eyes and screaming, Mousse alone seemed unaffected. She grinned to herself. "Just wait until they find out, that I gave them normal hot chocolate . . ." Nabiki whispered to herself as she walked off.  
  
But if it was real hot chocolate . . . then only 3 people drank the non-expired version . . . so who are the other two people?  
Well . . .  
Did anyone wonder where Soun went?  
"Hey!" Nodoka cried when she woke up. "Why does my head hurt? Why do I feel like I drank five glasses of drugged hot chocolate and why am I with my husband's best friend?"  
"Less talk more sex." Soun demanded.  
"I concur." Nodoka nodded.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
Or Maybe it is . . .  
The End!  
No, this ending isn't good enough, that's right I'm doing a 4th chapter! HAH!  
TO BE CONTINUED!!!  
Maybe . . .  
  
Nabiki: So what's the secret to writing a good lemon?  
Grimm: To not write it at all.  
Nabiki: So THAT'S why you're stories all suck!  
Grimm: You got it! 


	4. Part 4 Like it or Not

The Part With the DISCLAIMER: To add to the disclaimer at the top of #1 and on, I don't own Viagra (I think that's how it's spelled :/) And I do not own the song "In the Navy" by the Village People (I *think*)  
  
The Part Where we THANK everyone ...  
  
To Everyone: Wow, finally the final chapter. A long time ago I said it'd be done by Christmas 2003 . . . technically it was, but for reasons untold after a 4 month . . . we'll call it a vacation, I had a lot of time to rethink it, in all honesty I'm not comfortable with this at all (you'll probably say it's the best chapter yet) this ending (chapter in general, not just the actual ending) disturbed me (So why did I write it?) But you fans (or haters) have waited too long for me to put off posting it any longer in favor of a better one, so thanks for everything and enjoy this final chapter.  
  
SeekDeath ~ My main regret is that it took so long to get *this* wonderful and twisted chapter up. Simply ridiculous, took me far too long, I'm so lazy, so very lazy. Although it *was* finished by christmas. You and everyone else have my apology, but I'm not giving anyone any money so just forget it! Oh and thanks for your review, enjoy the ending of this traumatic story, even if it is so very late.  
  
Gethmane8 (too lazy to log in) ~ It's great to hear that my humor causes people pain . . . I'm not sure why, but it's great to know. Enjoy the ending, and don't die laughing, I grow quite concerned, though I hope it stil is painfully funny, I don't want to kill my readers here (until after they've reviewed that is) be careful, so I wont be charged for murder by fiction =P  
  
Sharon LeGrant ~ Well Kasumi is one of my favorite characters (maybe I can get her to go out with me, what do you think? Have I got a chance, or do I have to have Tofu assassinated first? Oh wait, she's not real . . . curses!) I love giving her an insane side, after all she (and most everyone in Ranma 1/2) puts up with you'd think she'd take a chainsaw to a few people. Anyone can write Kasumi in character, however only a real amateur like me can make her totally nuts! And yes, this is too funny for normal humans to come up with, but luckily I'm quite insane. Enjoy!  
  
Kyryal-Neko ~ I'm not sure if you mean that in a good or bad way. If good, you obviously have good taste (yeah I know, I'm so conceited *_*), if not then I suppose I can only hope the final chapter is an improvement. To tell the truth my beta-reader said this story was offensive from chapter one, and promised to flame if I did put it up, but she never got around to it (shrugs)  
  
Mkitty chan ~ Alas, Ryoga was under the influence of several powerful aphrodisiacs. Also I was trying to illustrate his exclusive interest in Nabiki, despite overwhelming temptation, or something like that. And I think I was tired at the time. And trying to make a self-imposed deadline (which obviously for better or *worse* I don't do anymore =P). . . hope he's better in the final chapter.   
  
Choco ~ Relax, it will continue with the ultimate climax (no pun intended) that no one expected, but really should have. Enjoy this chapter, for as per your request it is continued. And when it's over, remember that . . . ah I've got no words of wisdom, it's just over -_-  
  
P-chan ~ Yes, well you're welcome, I like this story too. Of course Ryoga is confused, any guy would be. That's because when a guy holds illusions that he's eventually gonna earn someone's love, and marry them and whatnot, only to suddenly find himself at the mercy of his uncontrolled subconscious, and shortly thereafter losing his virginity to his rival's future sister-in-law, and not minding it at all, well he becomes rather confused, it's completely natural ^_^  
  
Crastal Diamond ~ I love it too! The evil, the hot chocolate, the sex, the couple, did I mention the hot chocolate? I drank a lot of hot chocolate while I wrote this, it gave me strange powers, stand still and I'll set your hair on fire . . . wait that wouldn't be nice. Okay, I'll go set someone else's hair on fire. _ (I'm concentrating . . .)  
  
Chapter Four  
The Most Horrible Christmas Ever!  
  
Well it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, some time has passed, and things are no better than they were before. Tofu is now a proud member of the navy . . . interestingly enough, he's a member of the British Navy. How did that happen? Only Nabiki knows.  
Ryoga sat next to Ranma, trying to keep his gaze off Nabiki, something he'd never had a problem doing before they became lovers. Likewise Nabiki was standing behind Akane, trying to ignore Ryoga's very existence, something that had come naturally to her when he was just another of Ranma's silly friends.  
Kasumi sat next to Nodoka with a mug of normal-though definitely less delicious-hot chocolate, rolling her eyes at the two of them.  
Everyone but Ranma and father knew Nabiki and Ryoga were sleeping together by now, still the two were determined to pretend nothing was going on. Kasumi humored them, only because Ryoga had promised not to mention to anyone how she went nuts and snuck away to Vegas to get married to Kodachi.  
A marriage that was, luckily-or unluckily-considered legal only in the state of Nevada, and even there, loosely.  
Interestingly enough Kodachi had been all for it, even though she hadn't had any more of the chocolate.  
Regardless, those with intelligence had different reactions, Kasumi humored them, and did her best to make sure they didn't have sex too often, in a mad attempt to keep Nabiki from getting pregnant. Akane refused to believe Nabiki had truly fallen in love with Ryoga, was determined to prove it was a scam, and pointed out at almost every opportunity how shocked she was at just how far Nabiki was willing to go for a scam, and was constantly badgering ever oblivious Ranma, demanding to know whether or not he'd had sex with Nabiki back when she'd pretended to be in love with him.  
Genma didn't seem to care at all, insisting that if they were in love it was their business, if Nabiki was just using Ryoga, it just sucked to be him, and if they were-like most young adults-simply having sex for the sake of having sex, who gave a flying fudge?  
Nodoka always described her feelings with the same quote: "Sometimes the forbidden fruit must be tasted, it is perfectly all right for a woman to have sex with her husband's friend-er her brother-in-law's friend, provided they use proper protection, sign a contract beforehand promising never to speak of the event, and most importantly love each other."  
Kasumi sensed that Nodoka's words had some hidden meaning.  
Ukyo had said that, while she didn't care if Nabiki and Ryoga were "screwing around", she was rather annoyed that Ryoga had "foolishly" given up his quest for Akane, since that meant that Ranma's competition for Akane's love now fell almost exclusively to Tatewaki Kuno, the odds of him losing had dropped by point one percent.  
Shampoo and Moose were busy trying to pretend that their strange love adventure had never happened. The fact that Moose had somehow gotten pregnant didn't help, of course in a fit of logic reality decided that it didn't like the idea, or implications of a pregnant man, and so instead Shampoo became pregnant.  
Reality was obviously sexist.  
"I's nearly Christmas! Now, who wants to sing?" Soun asked.  
"Oh, we really don't need to-" Nodoka began, but she was cut off by the barrage . . .  
"Jangle Bell, Jangle Bell, Jangle in the way-"  
"I'm thinking of a green Christmas-"  
"Oh cell-phone fee, oh cell-phone fee, how depressed doth thou make me. . ."  
"Uh . . . maybe we should try to agree on *one* song?" Ryoga offered. "And we don't let Ranma, Akane or Mr. Tendo sing."  
"Hey, my song was great!" Ranma cried.  
"You made it up off the top of your head." Ryoga scoffed.  
"Yes, but Ranma has a singing carier behind her . . . him . . . whatever. Let's see an amateur like you do better." Nabiki winked.  
"Oh, you don't want me to do that." Ryoga said.  
"I would love to hear whatever sort of song you can make up." Kasumi smiled encouragement.  
Ryoga gulped, thinking for a moment.  
"Okay. Uh . . . here it goes . . . Ranma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from my house Christmas eve, the best present I could get from santa, was to watch Ranma Saotome lie and bleed."  
"That's terrible!" Nodoka cried.  
"Although it was rather creative," Kasumi said "it was utterly morbid."  
"It was morbid, and terrible!" Soun cried.  
"What on earth is wrong with you? I know you hate Ranma honey, but-" Ukyo began.  
"What is wrong with you people?" Ranma demanded. "That was GREAT!"  
"It was?" Ryoga blinked.  
"Yes, that was . . . Ryoga, if you can pop out songs like that-"  
"We could be rich!" Nabiki gasped.  
"Exactly!" Ranma agreed.  
"Get real," Ryoga scoffed. "It's no skill. I just came up with something that appealed to me."  
"And it'd appeal to other people too, lots of people dont like me, like Kuno, and Gosunkugi! You gotta go into business!" Ranma cried.  
"Never! I dont need fame, all I desire in life is your demise Ranma!" Ryoga cried dramatically.  
"If you say so." Ranma shrugged. "There goes my chance to get rich off someone else's hard work."  
"What makes you think I'd share my money?" Ryoga asked.  
"Are you kidding? If you wrote a song about me and didn't give me a cut, I'd sue your bandanna off." Ranma laughed.  
Kasumi shook her head. "Why don't we all sing Jingle Bells, provided that Akane can get the words right?"  
"Okay, but it wasn't me that screwed it up, that was Ranma." Akane said.  
"Really? I didn't notice a difference in your singing voices." Kasumi said.  
"That's just weird, you usually sing so . . . uh . . . nicely Akane." Nabiki said.  
"Really?" Akane asked.  
"Sure . . . uh . . . even better than me." Nabiki said.  
"No argument there." Ranma scoffed.  
"Got that right." Ryoga said.  
"Hey!" Nabiki protested.  
  
Ryoga's lips brushed gently across Nabiki's neck, she trembled slightly, and whispered "Don't do that, we could get caught."  
"Who cares?" He shrugged. He couldn't help it, he had to kiss this girl. She leaned back against him and held his hand, this was something they didn't often do, something that they really couldn't do.  
Nabiki had decided to keep their relationship a secret. As such, displays of affection were rare for the two, really Ryoga wondered if there was anything to the relationship besides sex.  
When she kissed him again, he decided he wouldn't really mind if there wasn't.  
"Hey, Ryoga!" Ranma cried, Ryoga and Nabiki separated themselves quickly.  
"What is it Ranma?" Ryoga scowled, feeling strangely cranky.  
"I need your help with something." Ranma said, giving him and Nabiki a weird look.  
"This had better be good." Ryoga grumbled. "What do you need?"  
"Come over here," Ranma whispered, Ryoga went over, Ranma grabbed him and whispered "Alright man, here's the way things are, I need to get someone the perfect gift, and I don't know what that is."  
"You want me to tell you what the perfect gift is?" Ryoga blinked. "I don't even know! The first thing that comes to mind is world peace, but then the world gets over populated, and besides, mankind is meant to be constantly combative, it's in our nature to fight over the most trivial things, like you and me, not that my curse is at all trivial . . ." Ryoga said thoughtfully.  
"Screw your curse! What would Akane want with world peace?" Ranma cried, Ryoga raised an eyebrow. "I mean . . . ah Akane and everyone else in the world . . ."  
"I get it." Ryoga said. "You want to get Akane something good, and don't have any idea what that is, so you want to ask me, knowing that what I tell you will be a poor judgement, so you'll know exactly what not to get her!"  
"What? No, you idiot!" Ranma cried. "You're her pet, if anyone knows what she wants, it's you! Tell me what she wants, I get it, you piggyback on the card--no pun intended P-Chan--and we both score points!"  
"But I don't know what she wants." Ryoga said.  
"Do you know where her diary is?" Ranma asked, a sly twinkle in his eye.  
"Uh . . . no." Ryoga said nervously.  
"Well that's okay . . . because no one would ever suspect a little black piglet of trying to find a diary!" Ranma laughed maniacally, splashing Ryoga with a bucked of cold water that he seemed to materialize out of nowhere.  
'I should have expected you to do something like this.' Ryoga thought.  
Ranma took Ryoga to Akane's room, very stealthily, he even got himself wet with cold water, and disguised himself as a young tourist woman.  
How that'd help him sneak P-Chan into Akane's room was a mystery to Ryoga, but Ranma did it anyway, and then snuck to Akane's room, humming a spy movie theme. Ranko pulled an imaginary pin out of P-Chan's ear, and tossed him into Akane's room like a grenade.  
The little pig blinked. 'Well, okay, in his way Ranma is trying to do something nice for someone else, I suppose I should encourage him.' Ryoga thought. 'Then, when he lets his guard down, I'll kill him!' It would be a while before he found his way out from under Akane's bed.  
  
Kasumi frowned when she found Nabiki leaned over the sink the next morning. "Are you washing dishes?" She demanded. "That's my job! If someone else does it, I'd have time to relax, or worse . . . date." Kasumi shuddered.  
"Uh? No, I wasn't washing anything, I swear!" Nabiki cried.  
Kasumi scratched her head. "Nabiki, are you alright?"  
"Yes, yes of course, I'm fine!"  
"Are you certain?'  
"Yes! Ugh-" She moaned and suddenly she hurled into the sink.  
"Why is it always the sink?" Kasumi cried.  
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Nabiki cried.  
"This is the third time I've caught you doing this, it's not a very welcomed 'good morning'."  
Nabiki shrugged, and went back to vomiting.  
"Are you alright?" Kasumi asked.  
'You asked me that already." Nabiki groaned.  
"I think it all but begs to be re-asked." Kasumi admitted. "You're sick?"  
"I guess so." Nabiki grunted.  
"I think you need to see a doctor." Kasumi said.  
"Lay off, I'm fine." Nabiki scowled. "I feel better already."  
"Yeah, right." Kasumi sighed. "But if it happens again . . . don't use the sink."  
Nabiki smiled lamely. "I'll try."  
"I'm not asking, I'm warning you, do it again and I'll make you eat it like a dog." Kasumi joked, but Nabiki seemed to take her seriously.  
"I'll . . . uh . . . try to remember that." Nabiki said, eyes wide. Kasumi smiled and went to work cleaning the sink.  
Then something occurred to her. "Nabiki!" She gasped, "You don't do it . . . raw, do you?"  
"Raw? What're you, American? Who uses such disgusting slang?"  
"Answer the question!"  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Nabiki said casually, leaving.  
Kasumi frowned. "Oh my . . . is it wrong to wish sickness upon your sister?" She wondered.  
  
Nabiki scowled and fell onto her bed. Where had Ryoga gone to? Ranma claimed ignorance, and while she usually doubted that he knew anything about anything, this time she felt he knew something. After all, it'd been him that lured Ryoga away from her.  
Of course if she seemed too interested in Ryoga's whereabouts someone might figure out that she cared about Ryoga, and that, the middle Tendo simply would not tolerate. They could *suspect* all they wanted for now, they had no proof!  
She felt terribly ill, and at the back of her mind a little voice insisted it knew why. She'd been trying to ignore it for some time.  
"Nabiki?" Kasumi asked.  
"What?"  
"Nabiki, do you need to see a doctor?"  
"Heck no." Nabiki scoffed.  
"You must be really sick, Nabiki . . . or it's crack . . . is it crack?"  
"No! I'm fine!"  
"You may have the flu . . . or a cold . . . or pneumonia . . . or appendicitis."  
"I don't have any of that." Nabiki growled. "Except maybe the cold . . . yeah, I must have a cold! I'll be fine."  
"I just thought it was dad who was throwing up every morning."  
"He was, it was something like a bonding experience for us." Nabiki said. "He grounded me, but seemed strangely proud when I told him I'd taken up drinking."  
"I was wondering why you were grounded. Have you really taken up drinking?" Kasumi raised an eyebrow.  
"Heck no, but you think I want him to know I'm . . . possibly . . . uh . . ."  
"Say it. Go on, it starts with a 'P'." Kasumi said with an odd mixture of an expectant grin and a hateful scowl.  
"That I . . . might be . . . contagious, he'd make me use the sink."  
"But you did use the sink. Three times." Kasumi pointed out.  
"Yeah, well those times it snuck up on me." Nabiki said.  
"Nabiki . . . I'm not an idiot. Tell me the truth."  
Nabiki struggled to think of something to say. But that Nabiki Tendo was so smart, and so slick, she thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick. "That I have an eating disorder, my dear sister, it is quite unhealthy, my throat is beginning to blister." Nabiki said.  
"But that is quite bad, and it will make our dear father sad." Kasumi said.  
"Nothing can upset our father, dear, so long as we make sure he's got enough beer." Nabiki said. She paused. "Are we speaking in rhyme?"  
"Have been for some time."  
"Well it has to stop."  
"Yes, I should mop." Kasumi agreed.  
"Uuurg! Stop, this is torture, and I've had enough!"  
"Tell me the truth, or I'll rhyme out more stuff." Kasumi said.  
"Alright, I don't have an eating disorder, I might have the flu, maybe appendicitis, it feels like I've got the plauge, and if you rhyme just one more verse I'll tell everyone that you get high off of the scent of your disinfectant spray!"  
"Come now Nabiki, I'm your big sister, you know you can tell me anything, you can trust me . . ." Kasumi said.  
Nabiki frowned, looking at her older sister she decided maybe it was true. "Well Kasumi, you *have* been pretty straight with me over the years, I guess you can be trusted . . . but uh . . . really, there's nothing to tell." Nabiki decided that maybe seeming trustworthy was some big sister trick! After all, she did it to Akane all the time. She couldnt go out and admit to what Kasumi was suspecting, there were too many reasons why that'd be bad, besides if she said it it might become true . . . not that denying it would make it untrue . . . gosh life can be confusing . . .  
"Nabiki, I know it's embarrassing, but have you had your-"  
"No, it's just a little late, that's all." Nabiki scoffed.  
"How late?" Kasumi raised an eyebrow.  
"Well . . . uh . . . pretty late . . ." Nabiki admitted.  
"My little sister . . . is . . . you're . . . you're . . ." Kasumi wept.  
"I am not!" Nabiki cried. "Get away from me, don't cry all over me!"  
"Does Ryoga know?" Kasumi asked, shaking Nabiki back and forth.  
"There's nothing for him to know!" Nabiki squeaked.  
"Let's find out for sure!"  
"Find out what?" Nabiki demanded.  
"I think you know." Kasumi smiled.  
"Curse your mind tricks woman, they wont work on me!" Nabiki growled.  
"Right . . . let's go out for ice-cream."  
"Hmm . . . well I am kind of hungry . . . alright." Nabiki said happily.  
  
Ryoga finally found his way out from under Akane's bed, just in time for her to step on him.  
"Oh! P-Chan!" She cried.  
'Oh the pain!' Ryoga thought.  
"Why P-Chan, I've been looking for you! Everyone has, I was so worried! You were missing all night!"  
'I was just under the bed.' Ryoga thought.  
"You know P-Chan, I really need a friend to talk to."  
'How about those two girls at school?' Ryoga thought. "What *are* their names?"  
"But I cant talk to my school friends, it's too personal!" Akane said.  
'Hmm.'  
"I need to talk to my adorable pet, because I don't want anyone to know what it is I'm going to say, and you're not going to tell anyone, are you P-Chan?"  
'No, I guess not.'  
"Of course you wont!" Akane squealed. "Well P-Chan, frankly Ranma is starting to get on my nerves!"  
'Hey-hey! Ranma bashing, these are the moments in life I treasure.' Ryoga thought.  
"You'd think by now he'd have formed some sort of opinion about his best friend dating my sister!"  
"QUEE?" P-Chan squealed. 'Ukyo is dating Kasumi?' Ryoga thought.  
"I mean who does Nabiki think she's fooling? We all know she's with Ryoga . . . all of us except Ranma that is."  
'Oh, me and Nabiki . . . well there really wasn't any sort of date, per se, we just sort of uh . . . well you're not hearing a word of what I think anyway.' Ryoga thought.  
"It makes me sssooo mad, I keep asking him and he just says 'Nabiki with Ryoga? Why would she get together with that directionless jerk?' and I just sit there and think, 'Hey! What *is* my sister doing with Ryoga?'"  
'With friends like this . . .' Ryoga thought bitterly.  
"That's why I think that Nabiki is really just pretending to like Ryoga, so she can gain something. But she's got nothing to gain from him, he's worthless!"  
'Alright, that's it, you can get a new pet.' Ryoga thought.  
"I mean, he's a great guy, nice, handsome, tough, and brave, tons more polite than Ranma . . ."  
'Alright, I'll let you off with a warning this time.' Ryoga thought.  
"But Nabiki usually goes for rich guys, why would she want Ryoga?"  
'Because Tatewaki Sword Boy' Kuno, and that Kinnosuke bastard just don't cut it, Akane. One's a rich moron who'd probably let Nabiki spend his fortune, being too stupid to stop her, one's a suave future male model, who'se as insane as Nabiki, only he's got a puppet he talks to, and then there's me, Ryoga Hibiki, wandering martial artist, rival to Ranma Saotome, master of the Breaking Point technique.' Ryoga reasoned. 'Hey wait a minute! Why *does* she want me?'  
"I think she made a cuter couple with Kinnosuke, even if he is insane. And Ryoga had that farmer girl who liked him but he didnt necessarilly like back in that way . . ."  
'Uh-oh . . . now I *do* feel like a jerk, I forgot all about her . . .'  
Akane gasped. "I've figured it out! Nabiki is dating Ryoga to make Kinnosuke jealous, and Ryoga is dating Nabiki because he doesn't like pigs! Just like how he's never around when you are, P-Chan!"  
'You know Akane, I think it's time for you to write in your diary or something, because P-Chan is about to hand you over to Mr. Wall, so you can go talk to him.' Ryoga sighed in his head.  
"You know, I think I'll write in my diary!" Akane decided. "No offense P-Chan, but talking to you is like talking to a wall."Akane giggled.  
'Believe me Akane, a wall doesn't get offended.' Ryoga pouted.  
"Of course a wall wont get offended! You know P-Chan, some times it seems like we can really communicate." Akane smiled.  
'It's weird, I feel the same way.' Ryoga frowned.  
  
"Gee . .. This looks like a clinic Kasumi." Nabiki observed as they stood outside a large rectangular white building.  
"Does it? I'm sure there's ice cream inside." Kasumi smiled. "After all, it's almost Christmas, what place doesn't have ice-cream?"  
"Damn you woman. Damn you." Nabiki sighed. "Enough, daddy used to do this when I had to get a shot, I'm not a kid anymore, I see what's really going on."  
"Hmm . . . well normally you'd go to Dr. Tofu, but he got drafted."  
"Yeah . . . imagine that." Nabiki snickered.  
"Interesting too, since he was beyond the normal draft age."  
"Yeah, that is interesting." Nabiki nodded.  
"And he just had to disappear when I got overdosed on hot chocolate and marshmallows . . ." Kasumi frowned.  
"Alright already, let's just go in!" Nabiki scowled.  
They were immediately greeted by a nurse. "Tendo? The doctor will see you now."  
"What incredible service . . . with a waiting room full of people yet." Nabiki blinked.  
"I might have phoned ahead." Kasumi said. "This is a very important appointment, I thought we should get it handled quickly." Kasumi said.  
Nabiki gave an impressed whistle. "Whew! All this over a cold? You really go all out sis."  
"This is no cold, I'll bet on it."  
"Never bet against me, Kasumi." Nabiki grinned slyly.  
"Oh? Why not? You seem to make a lot of bad moves lately, namely having unprotected sex."  
"Okay, I'll grant you that one." Nabiki pouted.  
"Just wait in here, the doctor will be with you shortly." The nurse said, and left.  
Nabiki scoffed. "We're just wasting this guy's time."  
"What do you care? It's all on me." Kasumi said.  
"You don't have that kind of money, I go to great lengths to make sure no one in our house has that kind of money, except me!"  
"That may well be, but have you ever noticed how so many presents just appear for you under the tree?"  
"Most of them are from me." Nabiki pointed out.  
"That's true too, but frankly, the ones you like the best come from me, father and Akane."  
"So you say, I don't even remember what you got me for Christmas last year." Nabiki lied.  
"Hello?" The doctor said. "I am Dr. Duo Soya, what seems to be the problem today?"  
"I spoke to your assisstant over the phone." Kasumi said, the doctor nodded.   
"Right, so this is your sister? Not bad. Nice ass."  
"Excuse me?" Nabiki demanded.  
"What I mean is you look fit as a fiddle." Dr. Soya said with an innocent look on his face-which resembled Dr. Tofu's but without glasses on.  
"I agree." Nabiki said. "Kasumi, we're leaving."  
"Now Nabiki, sit down, the doctor just wants to run a few tests on you." Kasumi said.  
"Yeah, really standard stuff, it's not going to hurt."  
"All right." Nabiki said nervously.  
"Take off your shirt, so I can use this thingy around my neck that I'm supposed to put on your chest."  
"I want to go now!" Nabiki said.  
"You can check her heart beat, and her breathing through her shirt." Kasumi pointed out.  
"Right . . . well I'll do that later then. Now spread your legs, kiddo."  
"Excuse me?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Well it's completely normal, I mean, yeah I could just *ask* if you're sexually active, it's just much easier to check, and there's no chance for the patient to lie, y'know what I'm saying? So spread 'em."  
"She's here *because* she'd sexually active!" Kasumi cried.  
"Ah, we got a slut on our hands. Nice . . . you want my number?" The doctor grinned at Nabiki.  
"Now can we see a different doctor?" Nabiki asked.  
"Uh . . . yes, I think so." Kasumi admitted.  
"Alright, alright, I'll just do the ehtical thing and ask you questions. Please, I need the business, don't walk out on me!"  
"You've got a whole waiting room full of people!" Nabiki cried.  
"Yes, but they're all Dr. Curd's patients."  
"Where is Dr. Curd?"  
"He's making out with my sister. That son of a-"  
"Can we get on with the examination?" Nabiki scoffed.  
"Oh, right. So, you're sexually active? Of course you are, you're a little vixen."  
"Why don't you let me answer the questions?" Nabiki asked.  
"That might work too." The docotor nodded. "So, active?"  
"Sort of."  
"Yes or no."  
"Yes." Nabiki sighed.  
"Aha, I was right. Do you have multiple partners?"  
"Does it really say that?"  
"Yes!" The doctor hid his clipboard. "Now answer the question!"  
"No, just one." Nabiki sighed.  
"Yeah right." Dr. Soya rolled his eyes. "So, do you take drugs?"  
"I took an expired aphrodesiac a little over a month ago, does that count?" Nabiki asked.  
"Uh . . ." The doctor scrateched his head. "Next question. Do you drink alcohol?"  
"Nope." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Is that the truth?" Dr. Soya demanded. "Because I could have swore I saw you at this fancy resturaunt this one time while I was stalking-er checking up on this patient, you were with this well dressed guy and he was getting tottally wasted of Champagne and-"  
"I don't drink! Next question!" Nabiki cried.  
"Do you smoke?"  
"No."  
"Any secondhand smoke?"  
"Yeah."  
"Right. Enough small talk . . . what? Fifteen more questions? Suck-monkeys!"  
"She's in relatively good shape, she excercises, she doesn't do drugs, she's only recently become sexually active, and she believes she might have a cold, or the flu, I say she's got a whole different 'condition' and we want to know what's up, she's a bright student and I'd hate to see her future ruined because she'd an idiot. We've got great health insurance."  
"A bright idiot, am I?" Nabiki scowled.  
"Quiet dear, grown ups are talking now."  
"I *am* a grown up!" Nabiki cried.  
"Well . . . okay . . . interestingly enough the only question that didn't answer is this . . . 'How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"  
"Do you know how long the waiting list is for Dr. Curd?" Kasumi asked.  
"Sorry." Soya sighed. "Well . . . lets get on with the tests. Here's my needle . . . no, I'm going to be wanting the bigger one . . ."  
  
A little while later . . .  
Nabiki was shaking like a leaf after five blood tests, and somehow deep throating the popsicle stick as the doctor claimed to be checking her tonsils. She felt strangely violated, and her throat hurt. Besides the blood test it seemed she'd gone through every horror of the hospital, she decided sending Dr. Tofu away had been very stupid.  
The tests had been inconclusive, Soya was trying to convince Kasumi to leave the room while he conducted a more thorough examination, until Kasumi threatened to shove the doctor's stethoscope where the sun doesn't shine, then magically he could read them. The doctor smiled. "Well, the tests are easy enough to read . . . I had to get Curd to tell me what it meant actually." He said, lowering his head.  
"So?" The sisters demanded together.  
"Well . . ." The doctor said ". . . I've got good news, and bad. Which do you want?"  
"Give me the good news."  
"The good news is that after five blood tests we realized we only needed one, you can have these vials of blood back, I don't know what the heck you're gonna do with them, but here you go." The doctor smiled.  
"Uh . . . thanks. These will make great Christmas presents." Nabiki said sarcastically.  
"Huh? Hey, you're right! I never would have thought of that, I wonder if I can steal some samples . . . it'd make my Christmas shopping super easy." Dr. Soya said thoughtfully.  
"I'll sell you mine." Nabiki offered.  
"How much?" Soya asked.  
"How much you got?"  
"What's the bad news, doctor?" Kasumi asked impatiently. Nabiki hoped her sister was regretting taking her here, she knew she was regretting agreeing to come.  
"Hmm? The bad news is that you haven't got a cold, or the flu, and it sure isn't appendicitis. You're pregnant. Most people would be pleased, but I see you're lesbians, so obviously ma'am," he looked at Kasumi, "Your 'life partner' is getting some action on the side."  
"We're not lesbians, we're sisters!" Kasumi said.  
"Hmm . . . why does that turn me on eve more?" Dr. Soya frowned, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter. Congratulations. Your husband will be thrilled."  
"I'm not married." Nabiki whimpered.  
"Well . . . then this is for your father." Soya handed Nabiki a card. After a few more prophositions by the doctor, they finally left.  
"What is that card for?" Kasumi asked.  
"It's fifty percent off all shot guns and ammunition at Big Barn 'O Guns." Nabiki said.  
"Since he wouldnt stand a chance against Ryoga in a straight up fight, I think father will appreciate that card." Kasumi said.  
"Ryoga sure wont." Nabiki sighed.  
  
Ryoga snuck out of Akane's room, her diary in his snout. The little black piglet crept off in any direction, so long as he was out of her room, he'd eventually find Ranma, give him the diary and be done with his evil deed.  
He didn't have long to wait, Ranma appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the diary. "You came through, man! At last I have it! My precious!" He opened it up and began reading. "Dear diary, today Dr. Tofu told me my leg looked much better, and that I'd be able to walk without the crutches in another week or so . . . I think he's coming on to me'? What's up with this girl?" Ranma scowled. "Dear diary, today dad introduced me to Ranma Saotome, his friend's son who is going to be my husband some day. Unlucky me, he's so obnoxious, and he comes off as a little sexist. I hate men so much. Except Dr. Tofu. I like Dr. Tofu. I hate other men. Men are all obsessed with that one part of their bodies that isn't all that impressive anyway' All right! Now it's getting good!" Ranma chuckled wickedly. Ryoga decided to leave Ranma to his Santa work.  
  
Ranma read on, 'Dear Diary, today Ranma's friend Ryoga came to town and they fought, I got so angry when Ryoga cut my hair, but Dr. Tofu said-'  
"Does she ever stop talking about Tofu?" Ranma scowled. "Doesn't she keep deep dark secrets in here like a normal girl?" He read on.  
'Today, Ranma showed us all his true colors, and got engaged to Shampoo, this insane amazon that's been trying to kill him since he went to China. How can he be such a pervert? Doesnt he know that a woman's body is a temple, or something like that?'  
"For the love of god, I didn't *want* to get engaged to Shampoo!" Ranma shouted.  
'Dear Diary, today RANMA refused to eat my cookies, I worked so hard on them, my feelings were so hurt!'  
"Yeah, yeah, we've heard that one." Ranma scowled, he skipped the next page and a few others, going to the middle.  
'Dear Diary, I know he's mean, sexist, cocky, *stupid* and lacking any sort of fidelity . . . but I think I'm starting to fall in love with Ranma!'  
"How dare she? She's never even *heard* me play the fiddle!" Ranma spat.  
'Dear Diary, I have a secret to tell you . . . and no one can know'   
"This is what I want!" Ranma grinned wickedly.   
'Today I found out . . . beyond any reasonable doubt . . . that Nabiki and Ryoga are *sleeping* together. I don't know if they're in love, but they are lov-*ers* and everyone knows it. Who do they think they're fooling? Only dad and Ranma don't know that Ryoga popped Nabiki's cherry, and on Kasumi's bed no less!'   
"AAAHHH!" Ranma closed the book and threw it aside. "That's NOT what I wanted! That's NOT what I wanted! WWWAAAHHH!" He ran to the bathroom to wash his eyes out with soap, and try to stab the memory from his brain with a cotton swab. "My friend . . . my rival . . . bedding the devil herself! And in Kasumi's bed!" Ranma threw up. "I'm not even sure what 'popping a cherry' is supposed to mean, but it makes me sick! Obviously Ryoga goes for looks, not personality! That sick freak! And Nabiki, how could she . . . well no, I get Nabiki doing this, she's such a slut." Ranma threw up again. "Damn! I cant be deterred! I must complete my mission, I must learn what Akane got me for Christmas! And find out some embarrassing secret as retaliation for this!"  
  
Nabiki felt strangely exhausted when she got home. How was she going to explain this to everyone? Could she even explain something like this? 'Hell, how do I explain it to Ryoga? We haven't even gone out on a real date yet, and I'm pregnant! What do I do? Walk up to him and say: Hey honey, because I'm a cum-addict I got pregnant, you've gotta pay child support now, so start saving, and get a job. Merry Christmas!'  
"Yeah, that'll work." She decided.  
"What'll work?" Kasumi asked.  
"Nothing. Just wondering how I should explain this to everyone."  
"Don't." Kasumi said simply. "Just don't explain it, start eating like there's no tomorrow, get really fat so no one will notice and then have the child in secret and put it up for adoption, lose the weight and return to your loving family."  
"You have got to be kidding me." Nabiki scowled. "You read too many novels, Kasumi!" She said.  
"Well what am I supposed to do? You wont let me fool around with Ryoga." Kasumi joked.  
"That's right! And you wont ever get the chance, you hear me? I don't need my kid growing up with a half sibling/cousin, you got that?" Nabiki growled.  
"What if I one-upped you, you know, did what you were too lazy to do, and went on the pill?" Kasumi raised an eyebrow.  
"If you weren't my sister, I'd slap you right now." Nabiki growled.  
"I'm sorry." Kasumi bowed her head. "I didn't mean to get you angry. Let's work together and try to find out how to handle this, okay?"  
"Here's an idea, I'll tell Ryoga, you tell dad, and while you're at it, just tell everyone else for me."  
"That's not a very fair plan." Kasumi noted.  
"I blame you for this, I'd have been much happier not knowing." Nabiki scowled.  
"But you did know. Deep down inside, you must have known you were going to be a mother, Nabiki." Kasumi said.  
"You speak lies! LIIIES!" Nabiki cried. It was partially true, she had a fear and suspicion that her illness was due to pregnancy. She shuddered. "I have to go see Ryoga."  
"But we don't know where he is." Kasumi pointed out.  
"Darn it, you're right! Well if you see him send him to me!" Nabiki scowled. She stomped off to her room when to her surprise she saw Ryoga coming out of the washroom. "Never mind Kasumi. Ryoga! Come here!" She hissed.  
"Uh . . . sure." He said nervously.  
  
Ranma was pacing back and forth, shoving handfuls of Hottie Marshmallows into his mouth, he scowled at the wall, it offended him.  
"Dear Diary," he read aloud, "Kasumi went on a vacation with Kodachi yesterday, Ryoga is the only person who seems to know where she is, but he wont tell me."  
What it registed in his mind was . . . 'Dear Diary, I, Akane Tendo, being of sound mind and body, do hereby swear to pop the cherry of every person in the world!"  
"She's gone mad!" Ranma said, trembling.  
"My gosh boy, did you eat that whole canister of marshmallows?" Genma asked.  
"Get away from me cherry popper!" Ranma screamed, and lunged to attack his father. After a brief struggle Genma Saotome was tied up with dental floss and shoved under the rug. Ranma paced back and forth and made a plan. He'd confront Akane and stop her reign of tyranny, or die trying.  
  
Nabiki led Ryoga into her bedroom and closed and locked the door. She took a deep breath, and sat down on her water-bed. "Ryoga . . . how do you feel about our . . . situation?"  
"That's a hard question to answer." Ryoga said. "I don't like having to pretend we're still just acquaintances, I want to take you out someplace nice, hold you in my arms even if it makes everyone stare, that sort of thing."  
Nabiki smiled. "I'd like that." She said. "Ryoga, I think it's time we told everyone. Because . . ."  
"Wait . . . Nabiki . . . I . . . I have to tell you something."  
"What?" Nabiki asked nervously.  
Ryoga gulped. "I . . . I . . ."  
"I know you love me"" Nabiki said.  
"No, I need to tell you something bad . . . I'm . . . I'm,"  
"I don't care, whatever it is I just don't care . . . so long as you're not gay. Are you?"  
"No, but I am cur–"  
"Whatever it is, I'm fine with it, okay? I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to boyfriends." Nabiki said evenly.  
"Since when?"  
"Silence!" Nabiki scowled.  
"Alright . . . what were you going to tell me?" Ryoga asked.  
"Umm . . . I . . ." Nabiki trailed off . . .  
  
Akane wandered into the dark room, it had been redecorated, it was the living room, now there was a large chair facing the wall. Akane scratched her head. "Why is it so dark in here?" She wondered, and turned the lights on. As she did, Ranma spun around in the big chair . . . he sat there, legs crossed, with a cat on his lap. "I've been expecting you." He said evenly, petting his cat and chewing a bubble gum cigar. "You kept me waiting, Akane my sweet. Say hello to my little friend . . ."  
"What a haul!" Happi cried as he leapt over Ranma's seat and out the door.  
"Huh?" Akane blinked.  
"I see you've infiltrated my lair of ingenious evil . . . and now you must pay the price."  
"You know you're holding a cat, right?"  
"Oh-ho-ho-ho, I'm holding an adorable . . . C-CAT!!!" Ranma screamed, and ran off.  
Soun shouted from his bedroom, "Did a virgin just ask Ranma if he was holding a cat?"  
Akane sighed and massaged her forehead. Her brain was doing that tingling thing that it did when she got really annoyed. Y'know, when it feels like a thousand little pins are pressing down on your brain, but not puncturing it? Then they retract, and press down again, and they do this for a while and you wonder if it's normal for that to happen . . .   
Anyway Ranma threw the cat out an open window, and went back to normal. "You thought I'd never find out . . ."  
"What?" Akane blinked. "That you were holding a cat?"  
"No! That you . . . with your less than ample bosom . . . you thought I'd never notice . . . or learn . . . that you wear a training bra still!"  
"What? That's not true." Akane said. "And you should know, you pervert." She scowled.  
Ranma chuckled. "Don't play me for a fool Akane, I know better." He held up her diary. "I've read the gist of this, and a lot of content between the lines, so very much between the lines." Ranma said.  
"Obviously."  
"What's cherry popping?" Ranma demanded.  
"Uh . . . that's . . . uh . . . well at the time I really liked Dr. Tofu and . . . uh . . ."  
"Dr. Tofu is part of this?" Ranma demanded.  
"Ranma . . . are you okay?"  
"Yes!" Ranma cried. "But you're not popping my cherry!"  
"Uh . . . okay." Akane frowned.  
"And I'll find some way to fix Nabiki's cherry!"  
"I don't think that's possible." Akane frowned. She paused. "Hey!" She screamed. "You know about Nabiki? You had sex with Nabiki, didn't you?" She cried.  
"Sex? We're talking about cherry popping, there's a difference!" Ranma scowled.  
"Baka!" Akane scowled. "Popping someone's cherry means you're taking their virginity. How can you-a guy-not know this?"  
Ranma snapped out of his trance. "Wh-what? Hey! I *did* know that! R-Ryoga . . . and Nabiki . . . had sex?" He groaned, and then ran off to throw up again. He proceeded to stab his brain with the cotton swab again. Akane sighed and stormed away.  
  
Ryoga listened intently to Nabiki's long story, he wasnt exactly sure if there was a moral, or a point, she seemed to be rambling on and on. He didnt mind too much at first, just listening to her talk was sort of nice, and it was even better because he didnt have to say anything. But he had this strange suspicion that she was going to quiz him on it afterwards, so he tried to commit some of it to memory.  
It wasn't working.  
Even worse, he was starting to fall asleep, and she showed no signs of getting to the point.  
"And *then* I said, 'Listen buddy, if you think the vegas odds are better than what I'm offering, go to Vegas!' and--"  
"Uh-huh, that's great Nabiki." Ryoga said. "What the heck are you talking about?"  
"Well, people talk about a lot of things, some people talk and talk, and never say a thing, some people sing a song, some people tell stories, some can't talk at all, you know. So anyway he's goes to vegas, the son of a--"  
"Nabiki, I'm going to close my eyes now," Ryoga said, she kept speaking, he made little to no attempt to speak over her rambling stories, "I'm still listening, keep talking, I'm hearing every word."He assured her.  
She ignored him and kept talking. Ryoga's eye closed almost of their own will, he yawned and then leaned back. Nabiki grabbed him by the collar and shook him.  
"Aren't you listening? This is important!" Nabiki cried.  
"I'm trying." Ryoga sighed. "Guy goes to vegas, walks into a bar, places a bet on the Iron Cats beating the Steel Mice at the Pet Cup, yeah yeah."  
"You dope, I'm talking about our future!"  
"Huh?" Ryoga scratched his head.  
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Nabiki . . . I dont know where I'm going to be in ten days . . ."  
"It's genetic right? Your parents havent got any sense of direction either, huh?"  
"Nope." Ryoga shrugged. "I think they met each other in a support group, they were the only two to find their way there." He offered a bit of humor to lighten Nabiki's interesting mood.  
"That means your kids'll probably have no sense of direction either! Mm . . . it's such a beautiful afternoon . . . the snow is all white and stuff, the world is blissfully unaware of how messed up it is . . ."  
"There's snow?" Ryoga blinked. Memories of his first night with Nabiki and the hot chocolate flooded back to him with mixed feelings. He glanced at Nabiki and decided he was pleased with the end result of his battle against the elements. "I dont suppose you'd be willing to brave this messed up world long enough to go out on a date, huh?"  
"Well it's not like I'm antisocial . . . what did you have in mind?"  
"Well . . . I dont do this very often . . . why don't we just get something to eat?"  
"With ice cream?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"If that's what you want." Ryoga shrugged.  
"You've convinced me." Nabiki said with a nod. "Let's go."  
  
"Ranma, why were you reading my diary?" Akane demanded.  
"I wanted to find out what ya got me for Christmas!" Ranma cried.  
"Well, I didn't get you anything, not yet anyway, if I decide to get stuff for you at all." Akane scowled.  
Ranma shoved the cotton swab deeper into his ear and stabbed his juicy brain (Don't give me any 'physically impossible' junk, this here is a fan fiction!) and groaned. He turned on Akane and scowled. "You! Yeah, YOU!" He said, jabbing his finger at Akane, the young woman was tempted to break that finger, "Remember this lesson I teach you, use it for good, use it for evil, and never forget . . . uh . . . I forgot."  
  
"What are you *on*, Ranma?" Akane demanded.  
"HANGNAIL!" Ranma screamed, looking at his finger, "Kill it! Kill it! Get Kasumi to come and kill it!"  
Akane scowled and grabbed her future husband (the future looked so bleak) by the wrist and looked at his finger. "You haven't got a hangnail!" She scowled.  
"Oh thanks! Thanks Akane! AKANE!! AKANE!! I said THANKS Akane!! Pay attention darn it! You never care about me!! AKANEEEEE!!! AKANE!!! Aaww. . . . Hey baby, I'm sorry I yelled at yous, I loves yous!!"  
"Ranma . . . you're starting to scare me now." Akane said.  
"My ear hurts." Ranma noted.  
"Good . . . now focus on that . . . and try to become sane again . . ." Akane said.  
Ranma did the opposite, he lunged forward and kissed Akane. Akane struggled at first, then decided it wasn't all that bad . . . after all, Ranma was her future husband, he *should* lavish affection on her, shouldn't he?  
His hands moved to pull her T-Shirt over her head, she shoved him away violently . . . he almost took the shirt with him. "Ranma, you pervert!" Akane cried.  
"I'm sorry Akane . . . I just . . . something about you . . . I cant resist you . . . you're so . . . so . . . so beautiful . . . my . . . my mind is telling me to do things I know we shouldn't do together . . . I cant resist, I need you!"  
"Oh Ranma . . ." Akane gasped "what sort of slut do you think I am!?!" She shouted, and lunged for him, her heart set on murder.  
"Alright! Now that's what I'm talking about! Fruit Loop!! OUCH! Hey not so har–ouch! Ahh! Ouch! The pain! Let that go! Akane! AHH! Don't pull so hard, I've only got two arms! My leg doesn't bend that way!"  
Just then Nabiki and Ryoga came by, Nabiki raised an eyebrow at her sister. "Get a room. Don't make me separate you two!"  
"Look whose talking!" Akane scoffed, she shoved Ranma away. "Where are you two going?"  
"We're going to find a cheap plane to Vegas so we can get married." Nabiki said, Akane gasped in shock.  
"I thought we were getting something to eat . . ." Ryoga scratched his head, Nabiki shook hers and sighed.  
"What the heck am I gonna do with you, Hibiki?" She mumbled as they left.  
Akane shook her head, and turned to Ranma with a hateful scowl. "I'll remember your disrespect, Ranma!" She growled. "I'm not like Ukyo or Shampoo, I'm not some piece of flesh for you to play with whenever you feel like it! I don't know if I can ever forgive you!"  
"Uh . . . c'mere and gimme a kiss?" Ranma offered, Akane scowled and left. She stormed into the kitchen, she needed something to calm her nerves. A nice cup of coffee . . . nope, none left . . . hmm there was hot chocolate . . .  
"Hmm . . . Hottie Chocolate . . . guaranteed to make your night good . . . well if it's guaranteed . . ." Akane thought . . . "I really need something to get my mind off Ranma . . ."  
She made a mug of steaming hot chocolate and sat down to drink it . . .  
'Hmm . . . maybe Ranma is a pervert . . . but it sure felt nice to be kissed . . . and his arms around me made me feel really good too . . .' She took a long sip, and went unconscious. When she woke her line of thinking continued, as if uninterrupted. 'I mean . . . I guess I do sort of like him . . . maybe . . . maybe it wouldn't have been so bad . . . hmm . . . I feel kind of weird . . . what a buzz . . . like that time I ate a gallon of sugar . . .' she took another sip, went out like a light, woke, took another, and continued in that manner until she'd built up a powerful immunity to the blacking out caused by the coco.  
  
Ranma was coming out of his daze, sitting in the living room, scratching his head. What had he done? He couldn't remember . . . he'd made Akane mad, and he was sorry for that. At least he was pretty sure he was, he wasn't sure what he'd done, he'd probably been justified.  
Slowly something of a memory came to him . . . holding her in his arms, moving his hands over her . . . AHA! So that macho chick had tried to rape him! How dare!  
Obviously he'd done the moral thing, and forced her away, and it'd angered her. But now that he thought of it he wouldn't mind getting laid tonight . . . he had this weird horny buzz going on. Like that time he'd eaten five pounds of sugar mixed with Guyagra (Don't sue me, I'm funny!)  
"She'll be back, that horny macho pervert girl!" Ranma said to himself. Suddenly the wall before him exploded and there was Akane. "I didn't mean it!" Ranma cried, he dove under the couch.  
"Seek . . . male . . . can see . . . infrared . . . NEED . . . SEX!" Akane cried.  
She dragged Ranma out from under the couch and up to her room, the young man left claw marks on the floor leading up to the place.  
  
"Aw nuts, once again it was drunk by the wrong person . . ." Happosai sighed.  
"It seems we shall never have our revenge . . ." Cologne sighed.  
"Well . . . what'da say we watch through Akane's open window?"  
"You've got no class, no class at all." Cologne scoffed and left. Happi decided it would be pretty boring, so he went and tormented Soun.  
  
"Ryoga . . . how do you feel about me?" Nabiki asked as they walked.  
'Aw crud, why do women always have to ask that?' Ryoga wondered. "What do you mean?"  
"Well . . . exactly what I said. What do you think about me, how do you feel? I don't know how to put it any simpler than that."  
Ryoga shrugged. "I love you. It's that simple."  
"Really? Not so long ago you loved Akane."  
"My affection for her was rather uh . . . intense." Ryoga admitted. "But I loved her for the wrong reasons."  
"And why do you love me?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Because only an idiot would let a rack like yours get away." Ryoga grunted.  
"And you don't think that's a bad reason to love someone?"  
"It could be. Good thing I've got others." Ryoga said with a shrug. "Nabiki, no matter how things have gone through the day, no matter how good or bad things get, just holding you in my arms some how makes everything great, kissing you feels like a fulfillment of ambition, I love being around you, and you don't make me nervous at all." Well he'd lied about the last part, she did make him pretty nervous.  
"I'm glad you feel that way." Nabiki said. "Because . . . I've got something to tell you, that you're not going to like."  
"Oh-ho . . ." Ryoga scratched his chin. "You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"  
"Nonsense!" Nabiki cried. "I love you too, Ryoga, I really do. I mean we're out on a date now aren't we? To hell with the secrecy, it doesn't matter anymore. I don't care who knows I'm dating my sister's boyfriend's rival!"  
"It sounds weirder when you say it like that." Ryoga pointed out.  
"Point." Nabiki nodded. "But Ryoga, I've got something seriously important to tell you . . ."  
"What is it?"  
"I'm building up to it . . ." Nabiki grumbled. "Well . . . uh . . . lets go to Ukyo's place."  
"Why there?" Ryoga asked.  
"Because I think Cologne is still holding a grudge, best not to be near the Cat Café."  
"About what?" Ryoga scratched his head.  
"Oh . . . nothing . . ." Nabiki chuckled wickedly.  
"Nabiki . . . what is it you wanted to tell me?"  
"Uh . . . I . . . I think it can wait." Nabiki smiled, "We're here, see? Hey Ukyo!"  
"No, wait . . . tell me, you said it was important." Ryoga said. He was all concerned now, the soap operas he had watched with Kasumi while trapped as P-Chan were starting to influence his normal thinking. "Nabiki . . . do you have cancer?"  
She blinked a couple times, then shook her head. "No . . . I don't."  
"Then you've got some other serious illness?"  
"No, honey, but I'm starting to wonder if you do . . ."  
"You learned that Mr. Tendo isn't really your father, and so in your drive to find your biological parents, you've learned that you are in fact my sister!"  
"No, hard as it is to believe I truly am related to those people I live with . . ." Nabiki sighed.  
"You aren't possessed by some demon then?"  
"Uh . . . what the heck?" Nabiki looked confused now.  
"I saw it on Weeks of Our Lives once." Ryoga explained. It'd been a couple years ago . . . he'd stopped watching after that, it was just too stupid.  
"Stop with the Soap Opera Stereotypes!" Nabiki chuckled.  
"Okay, one more . . . you're not pregnant, are you?" Ryoga asked.  
"Uh . . . I . . . I was going to wait until your birthday to tell you that . . . but uh . . . happy birthday honey!" Nabiki said with mock enthusiasm.  
Ryoga scratched his chin. "I see . . . I . . . I . . . wow . . . this is . . . wow." Ryoga scratched his head.  
"What's up? You two gonna order or what?" Ukyo asked. "Wow . . . Ryoga, you look like your dog just got run over while your parents were mercilessly killed in a car explosion as your manhood was chopped off and fed to the homeless in a stew all while every person you ever idolized mocked you . . ."  
Ryoga blinked. "Huh?"  
"I think, mentally that's exactly what's happening to him. Two Calamari Okonomiyaki, please." Nabiki said.  
Ukyo scratched her head as Ryoga began folding a napkin into some sort of elaborate origami monster.  
"Uh . . ." Ryoga gulped "this is great!"  
"You don't have to lie." Nabiki said simply.  
"Oh thank you–I mean nonsense! I mean it, this will be fine . . . uh . . . I can take care of the kids while you go to college, you get to be the first one of your sisters to get married, I get a young apprentice to train in the ways of my martial arts so that when Ranma and I are frail old men, my son–or daughter–can kick the butt of Ranma's spawn, it'll be a tradition. Besides, we're young right? So we'll like the same stuff as our kids, right?" Ryoga said. Damned if he was going to let Nabiki know how depressed he was all of a sudden. Or at least how depressed he felt he should be . . . he really wasn't very upset at all. He wasn't thrilled, but he wasn't upset.  
"Kids, Ryoga?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Hey, maybe we'll have twins. Besides, I had no idea it was so easy to get a girl pregnant, we're bound to have more! This one's gonna need brothers and sisters to grow up with!" He said, feeling strangely enthusiastic. Nabiki kicked him under the table. "Ouch! Er sorry, I'm sure you're normally much harder to impregnate."   
"Now that you know, how do you feel about me?" Nabiki asked.  
"The same as I did when you asked me earlier." Ryoga shrugged.  
"You know this means no more sex, right?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Darn–er . . . right. Darn right, no more sex . . . uh . . . why exactly?"  
"That's just the rules, sweetie."  
"I see . . ." Ryoga scratched his head. "Who wrote these rules?"  
"Mother nature."  
"I never listened to my mother."  
Nabiki laughed softly and shook her head.  
Ryoga took a deep breath. This news wasn't all that bad . . . hell, it wasn't good, but like he'd said before, no matter what, just being with Nabiki seemed to make everything great . . . he'd probably have his nervous breakdown *after* their date.  
  
The Next Morning . . .  
  
Soun was wailing like a fool. "Nabiki! You're only eighteen, you're too young to get married! My baby! My baby! I've lost my little girl! I gouge out my eye balls!"  
"Uh . . . daddy, put the fork down." Nabiki instructed, Kasumi took it away from him. "I'm just pregnant, no big deal, and c'mon, let's be serious here, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'd rather it be later, but it isnt the end of the world." She explained.  
"Fah! You're going to track down the father and force him to marry you! My daughter will not give birth to a fatherless child! Unless she started working for a genetic testing agency, and then we'd sue! Take Ranma and Ryoga, if he wont submit they can beat him to a bloody pulp!"  
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Ryoga said, blinking. Nabiki shook her head.  
"Uh, dad, Ryoga *is* the father."  
"RYOGA!?" Soun screamed. "You're the father? Ranma, kill Ryoga while I stab myself in the head!"  
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Ranma said, blinking. Nabiki shook her head.  
"Dad, there's no need to kill anyone, and put that spoon down!"  
"For what it's worth, I think you two make a cute couple." Kasumi noted.  
"No one cares." Ranma scoffed. "Premarital sex is immoral, disgusting and wrong. Shame on you two! Shame!"  
Nabiki's eyes narrowed. "Oh? Hey dad, why dont you ask Akane what she was doing last night?"  
Akane choked on her orange juice and glared at Nabiki. "I don't know what you're talking about!"  
"Uh-huh." Nabiki scowled.  
"Akane, what did you do last night?" Father asked.  
"I can't remember." Akane said.  
"Well, why not ask Ranma what he did last night?" Nabiki chuckled.  
"I *really* cant remember." Ranma said, rubbing his head. "Had the strangest of dreams . . . but what *did* I do last night?"  
Akane glared at Ranma, then Nabiki. "Nabiki, don't make me kill you." she warned.  
"My poor, sultry sisters." Kasumi sighed.  
"Look who's talking! You're a lesbian!" Nabiki cried.  
Kasumi choked on her orange juice, and then spat it out in father's face. "N-n-no I'm not father!"  
Soun put his head down on the table and began to cry. "My little girls are whores!"  
"Well . . . I've only slept with Ryoga, and Kasumi probably didnt get too far with Kodachi. Akane on the other hand is a whore, but hey, two out of three, daddy." Nabiki said happily.  
"I'm not a whore!" Akane cried.  
"Why cant I have an ordinary life and an ordinary family?" Soun wept.  
"It's something you give up in exchange for knowing Ranma and myself." Genma sighed.  
"Look on the bright side father . . ." Kasumi tried.  
"And that is?" Soun raised an eyebrow.  
"Instead of an 'ordinary' family, you've got an *extraordinary* one." Nabiki said.  
"I'm going to go kill myself now." Soun sighed and headed for his room.  
"Hold him down!" Akane cried.  
"I curse you Ryoga! May you and Nabiki have nothing but promiscuous daughters!"  
"Yes daddy." Nabiki said calmly.  
"We'll work on it, I guess." Ryoga scratched his head. "What's 'promise-cure-us' mean?" He whispered to Nabiki.  
  
Meanwhile Ranma and Akane were quite busy in her room, moving around under the covers. Happosai had changed his mind and decided to enjoy the show, but he couldnt see much under those blankets.  
"Thank heavens my X-Ray glasses arrived today!" He said, whipping them out. He put them on and saw two skeletons intertwined.  
"AAAHHHH!" The old man promptly had a heart attack, fell out of his tree twitching, his reign of terror finally brought to an end by a sexy Halloweenish surprise.  
  
Couple Weeks Later . . .  
  
"If I have to see Dr. Soya one more time," Nabiki said, "I'm going to kill him. We've gotta try and convince Tofu to come back to us."  
"Well . . . this is a very nice naval base . . ." Kasumi said. "I wonder how the good doctor is doing."  
"Nabiki! Kasumi! Ryoga! Good to see you!" Tofu cried, he looked quite good in naval uniform. Nabiki noted that he didn't seem intimidated by Kasumi, but he seemed slightly shy around Ryoga.  
'Aw snaps, what have I done?' Nabiki wondered.  
"So Doctor Tofu, since you've been drafted into the navy," Kasumi said with a frown "how is it?"  
"It's incredible!" Tofu cried.  
"Really?" Ryoga asked.  
"Yes . . . the navy is . . . it's . . ."  
"Torture?" Nabiki offered.  
"No! I'm in the navy! Where you can find pleasure, search the world for treasure, learn science and technology!"  
"Do you really search for treasure?" Ryoga asked skeptically.  
"Where can *you* begin to make your dreams all come true?" He asked, pointing a finger at Ryoga. "On the land or on the sea where you can learn to fly, play in sports or skin dive!"  
"He's flipped." Kasumi said with a frown.  
"You can't learn to fly! Humans don't fly! And skin dive? My word Tofu what are they doing to you?" Nabiki gasped, thinking maybe getting Tofu drafted had been a mistake.  
"I can study oceanography, sign up for the big band, or sit in the grand stand when the teams and others meet."  
"What the heck are you talking about now?" Nabiki demanded. "Teams and others meet? Are you in the navy, or was that a soccer reference?"  
"I'm In The Navy!" Tofu sang.  
"Yes, you can sail the seven seas." Kasumi said clapping her hands happily.  
"In The Navy?" Ryoga frowned.  
"Yes, you can put your mind at east!" Tofu continued to sing.  
Ryoga nodded. "Right, because you're In The Navy."  
"Come on now people, make a stand!" Tofu cried.  
"In The Navy?" Kasumi asked.  
"Cant you see we need a hand?" Tofu asked.  
"In The Navy?" Nabiki sighed, thinking maybe visiting hours were over. If there weren't, they should be.  
"Come on protect the mother land!" Tofu sang/pleaded with them.  
"I don't want to be In The Navy." Nabiki scoffed.  
"Come on and join your fellow man!" Tofu cried.  
"Stop trying to get us to join The Navy!" Nabiki scowled.  
"Come on people and make a stand!" Tofu cried.  
"In The Navy?" Ryoga asked.  
"In The Navy!" Tofu nodded.  
"In The Navy . . ." Kasumi looked a little concerned.  
"That's it, I'm out of here." Nabiki said.  
"Bye doctor!" Kasumi smiled.  
"Wait, the idea of joining the navy intrigues me! I wish to learn more!" Ryoga said, Nabiki grabbed him by the collar and dragged him away as Tofu went into the second verse.   
Nabiki decided that Soya wasn't so bad after all . . . or maybe she would go to Canada.  
  
~ End (Absolutely) 


End file.
